questioning man

Have you picked up a book on Men lately? Most of them are touting advice that help women get him to open up, or share his feelings, or communicate.
The other day, I saw an article on some web site that said, “Communicate with your Man in 10 words or less.” I mean, is this something we actually need? Is he really that dumb? Does he truly have the attention span of gnat? Is he the emotional equivalent of a toddler?
Is he a dumb ape?
Is he really incapable of expressing himself? Is this still a thing?
In the decade I have been coaching women, I’m going to say, NO! It is NOT a thing! More women come to me to ask how to get their man to STOP sharing so many feelings than to get him to talk.
This sounds like more of your Grandmas problem that a NOW problem. Doesn’t it? I mean, if you picture a stoic man, who comes to mind? My Grandpa Frank comes to mine.
We want men to share their feelings. But only on our terms.
You know what I mean?
You want him to have feelings, but only when it’s convenient.
“Don’t have feelings when I’m having feelings!”
And when he shares his feelings when we don’t want him to, we tell him he must be manstrating and tell him to man up.
Most of the women I talk with are feeling like there is a man crisis. For example, the man bun! Or the pink bearded lumbersexual.
So if we want Men, but we want emotionally available Men. What is the balance then?
How do we create a space for men to be able to share their feelings?
Often, when you ask a man how he feels, it will take him a minute to find the answer. So, while he is searching himself to find the answer, we interpret that pause as he must not know how he feels or he is about to make something up. Neither are true. We process things a little quicker because we walk around all day long with people asking us how we feel. So, our feelings are always on the top of our minds. Most Men aren’t standing around asking, “So, Ted! Feelings? Go.”
Most Men keep it on the lighter side. Why? Training.
We train men that it’s not ok to talk about feelings when they are boys.
Then, we marry them and beat them up for not expressing themselves.
Then when they do, we tell them they are turning us off and call them a Pussy.
They can’t win.
So, how so you get your Man to share? You ALLOW it.
You don’t need to train him. He’s not dumb. He knows how to do it.
Here’s how we allow: Ask him. Then shut up.
I know this is a hard one for me. But just like you, he doesn’t want to be interrupted. And just like you, after he shares, he will feel better. And he will move on.
How about you? Do you allow your Man to share?
Love you,
​Heidi
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