What makes you trust someone isn’t their integrity, responsibility or their authenticity. It’s THIS…

by | May 23, 2016 | Advice, All, Dating, Dating Coach, Love, Relationship Coaching, Relationships, Understanding Men

What happens when you walk through your relationship life believing you can’t trust men?
“Any minute now this guy is going to show me his true colors.”
“Sure, he seems all nice now, that’s just because he wants sex.”
“Any day now, the other shoe is going to drop with this guy!”
Do you find yourself saying things like this?
When women don’t trust men, it can show up in a multitude of ways. One way, of course, is isolating. Why? It’s easier to stay alone than risk being let down.
How does it show up in your relationships when you don’t trust men?
It usually shows up in one of two ways.

  1. You are a tester
  2. You keep emotional distance

If you’re a tester, you find yourself pushing buttons. You will basically do whatever you have to do to get this guy to “crack”, meaning- show you his true colors. So, you constantly try to poke and prod him to see how he will handle it.
If you are an emotional distancer, you will keep an emotional buffer between you and him. You will get close, but not too close. You may even choose men you are less attracted to so you don’t get too caught up.
So, what makes you trust someone?
Immediately when I ask this, most people say, “Integrity. People keep their word.”
I can be a person who always does what I say I’m going to do. I can be excellent at keeping my word. But if my word is I’m leaving you and I do it, you don’t trust me.
Other say, “Responsibility. They are committed.” Well, I can agree to only be responsible for myself and leave you feeling totally unsupported. And you won’t trust me.
Then, someone will say, “Realness. Authenticity. They are honest about who they are.”
It can’t be that either because I could be honest about being as ass hole, be an ass hole, tell you I told you so and you still won’t trust me.
People trust for one main reason: aligned mission. The mission? We both have each other’s best interest at heart. You may hurt me, but I am going to assume it wasn’t on purpose.
When I know you have my best interest at heart, I trust you. It’s that simple.
And the main reason you choose men you can’t trust is because you don’t have your own best interest at heart. 
How many times have you let yourself down? How many times have you lied to yourself?
More than likely, you have built an incredible amount of negative trust. You trust yourself to do the wrong thing. You trust yourself not to have your best interest at heart.
So, it’s going to take you consistently proving to yourself that you can count on you before you can learn to count on anyone else.
Do you have your own best interest at heart?
Work on that, and you will attract men you can trust.
I love you,
Heidi

Losing your Me when you become a WE

by | May 12, 2016 | Advice, All, Dating, Dating Coach, Love, Relationship Coaching, Relationships, Understanding Men

When you first meet someone, you can get wrapped up in them. You might think about him all day long, wondering if he’s thinking of you and if he is, what he is thinking. It’s natural to want to make him happy. It’s easy to think more about him than you do about you. But when do you cross the line into being unhealthy?
I knew a girl who every time she got into a relationship, she disappeared. Her friends would be left wondering where she went. She wouldn’t do anything unless she was doing it with her boyfriend. She found herself dressing the way he liked her to and wearing her hair and makeup the way he preferred, and talking about the things he found most interesting.
She ate where he wanted to eat and she saw the movies he wanted to see.
Her friends would tell her she was losing herself.
But she couldn’t see that until the day they broke up.
Then, she looked around and couldn’t remember who she was. Her friends had moved on without her and she was left trying to figure out how to get back to her old self.
It’s unhealthy when you sacrifice yourself consistently for the preferences of another human being.
When you meet someone, you shouldn’t feel like you have to bend yourself into a more attractive version of you in order to stay attractive to him. Be you. Do you. Like what you like.
And if it differs from him, that’s ok. You are your own person with your own set of preferences.
If you find yourself bending to be more of who you think he will love, you will always be bending. And unless you’re Gumby, that can eventually be pretty painful.
When you love someone, you shouldn’t smother them.
Relationships are like people, they need air to survive. Give each other some breathing room.
That breathing room is where you retain the space to be yourself. Do the things you love to do. Keep your friendships. Do the things you want to do.

Love you,
​Heidi

How to tell if you’re ready for a relationship. Three simple questions.

by | May 5, 2016 | Advice, All, Dating, Dating Coach, Love, Relationship Coaching, Relationships, Understanding Men

Knowing if you’re ready to get into a relationship can be a tricky thing. You can feel ready and still be ill equipped and you can be ill equipped and feel ready. There’s not a one size fits all answer here. But I will give you a quick test. If you answer yes to any of these three questions, then you are NOT ready.

  1. Am I seeking a relationship to feel better about myself?
  2. Am I seeking someone to take care of me because I can’t take excellent care of myself?
  3. Am I seeking someone to fill a void

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  1. Am I seeking a relationship to feel better about myself?

If you are wanting to get with someone so you can feel more lovable, worthy, special, important, or any other version f “better about yourself”, then it’s a big fat NO. The deal is that you will only attract someone who feels the exact way you feel about you. And you can’t fake it. So, until you genuinely feel awesome about who you are, you won’t attract someone who thinks you’re the cat’s pajamas.  Work first on feeling better about yourself just as you are.

  1. Are you seeking someone to take care of you?

Do you want someone to help pay the bills? Split the resnt? Take care of you emotionally? Physically? If it’s a yes, then it’s a no! You’ve got to know you can take total care of yourself first. And you can!

  1. Am I seeking relationship to fill a void?

Did you just get sober and feel a gaping hole? Are you bored? Are you craving a rush that only a new guy can fill? Then, it’s a no. Quick sex is a cheat substitute for long term genuine happiness. Learn to fill in the gaps solo. When you can learn to love yourself, you’re ready. Of course, I’d love to help you get relationship ready! Love to you, Heidi