You can get to the point that you experience the deep pain, get the leverage you need, break up.
Why do you change your mind?
The truth is, pain wears off and that’s why we end up going back.
We forget how bad it was and we start to rationalize, minimize, and conceptualize how we can go back to what once was and make it better.
Pain will push you to break up. Pain is a great motivator. But pain alone will not be the answer.
People are motivated by two desires.
1. The desire to avoid pain
2. The desire to gain pleasure.
Pain will push you, but pleasure will pull you.
I know it’s hard to hold a vision for a better relationship. Especially if you think you’re older now, it’s too late for you, or you don’t want to start over.
But being willing to envision a happier, healthier, more fulfilled version of yourself is the key to having faith in the wilderness.
Let’s say you have a boyfriend named Rob. And Rob is a guy who has a history of cheating, has active addiction issues, and is a poor communicator. And you make Rob your boyfriend.
Boyfriend: (Noun) Person who is kind, compassionate, loving, likes dogs, is a good snuggler, family man, listens well, and treats me like a queen.
Skrrrrttt…
Not so much.
Because the reality is you don’t have a boyfriend, you have a Rob.
Most people don’t live in the here and now. They dance in and out of reality.
They boogie back into the past, recalling a time when it wasn’t that bad, giving them the illusion that things are better than they seem. Or the waltz into the future, daydreaming about how their relationship magically transform into the love they know it can be.
And what’s the result of all that side stepping? No leverage. Leverage is what helps you do things.
And leverage in this case, is the willingness to feel the pain of the current situation you’re in.
When you’re willing to (as Dr. Phil says) be a “steely eyed realist”, and see things for how they truly are, you don’t live in a fantasy land based on someone else’s potential.
In other words, don’t marry potential, marry a person.
Try not to medicate your pain by being set adrift on memory bliss (thank you PM Dawn).
When you’re willing to be here now, you can clearly assess the situation and make an empowered decision.
When I first started teaching at a drug and alcohol treatment center, I had the worlds best mentor. He was a guy named Phil Diaz who specialized in codependency.
I was lucky enough to work shoulder to shoulder with him while we ran groups together on this topic.
Talk about getting my chops! Whoa~ that was an amazing experience!
In any case, he taught me something I already knew but said it in a brand-new way.
He said, people who grow up in addiction (ACOAs) are compulsively self-reliant.
YES! Not just a loner. I was compulsive about doing it all by myself. I needed and wanted to be in control!
In the video, I explain how this behavior directly correlates it binge eating.
Why did the narcissist cross the road? Because he thought it was a boundary.
Ba-da-da.
But seriously. Likely, because you are a giver you have attracted takers. And those takers take honey.
So, now, because you can’t say no, you get stuck in this cycle of creating imaginary boundaries with food, or the times you’ll let yourself eat, or what you’ll eat with what.
You’d be amazed what happens when you set REAL boundaries where you need to.
Watch the clip to learn more about how this shows up.
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