I used to wake up in the morning with a hangover. My head would pound as I tried to recall the night before. I’d roll over to see if anyone was beside me. And if someone was, I’d check to see if I was still wearing my underwear.

If I was alone, I’d go through my phone and try to piece the night together.

Basically, I’d wake up with shame for things I couldn’t even remember.

Eventually, I’d get into the shower and start the masking process.

I’d paint my face, put on my heels and march into the corporate office where I made millions of dollars for other people.

I dedicated my life to helping other people realize their dreams while I lived in a nightmare.

First, you should know this post isn’t about alcohol. Wine wasn’t my problem. It was my solution to being awake for a life I couldn’t stand.

Having said that, I’ve also been alcohol free for 10 years. But I didn’t do it through a traditional program. I did it though finding and speaking my truth and then pursuing Authentic Happiness.

I don’t know if you’re struggling with alcohol, but if you’re unhappy in your life, you’re likely self-medicating somehow.

• Shopping too much
• Spending money you don’t have
• Zoning out on social media
• Sleeping too much
• Eating too much
• Starving yourself
• Engaging in toxic relationships

Here’s the crazy thing, all these “coping behaviors” are a lame attempt at happiness.

They become the filter you put on your life to make it bearable.

Then, the behaviors become the focus. They give you a “reason” for being so miserable. And you wrongly believe that if you just fix these things, your life will be perfect.

Still, underneath that issue is why you engaged in the self-destructive behavior to begin with. Focusing on your “coping behavior” gives you a false sense of control.

That’s why many people quit drinking and they’re still just as miserable.

When I decided to pursue my happiness, my drinking took care of itself.

So, how did I get happy?

What are the First 3 Steps to Creating a Genuinely Happy Life?

Step one in creating authentic happiness is to get a proper diagnosis.

 

When people ask me what I do, I often refer to myself as a Psychological Surgeon.

When I think about a surgeon (I have many in my coaching practice), I think about precision, accuracy, and results.

And I know that if I sat with a surgeon, before he cut me open there would be a lengthy diagnostic process to be sure the actual issue was found.

That’s how I work with my clients. Of course, the goal isn’t to cut you open, it’s to identify and remove your metaphorical “cancer” to liberate you from the pain it causes.

I was in pain too and I was my first patient.

When I was at my lowest point, deciding I couldn’t keep living a double life, pretending to be happy, I had to look deep within to see what was truly robbing me of my joy.

It was then, that I asked myself 2 questions.

1. What do I really want?
2. What am I NO LONGER willing to settle for?

For me, I had what looked like success. I had the money, and the bags, and the home. But I was lonely, anxious and depressed.

When I examined my anxiety, I saw the it was from a belief that I’d be alone forever.

The truth was, I was in ride or die dysfunctional relationships with emotionally unavailable men, trying to convince them to choose me.

And underneath of that was my subconscious driver to need to prove my value.

I felt worthless. So, my life reflected others who couldn’t see my value.

Now, here’s an important distinction. From the outside, I projected an image of confidence. No one would have suspected that underneath I felt unlovable. I had a false sense of self-esteem that came with money and titles.

But when I lost my big money consulting gigs, my worth went with them.

Where are you unhappy? EXACTLY? What is causing you the desire to self-medicate in the first place? What do you really want?

Of course, I recommend you sit with someone highly qualified to help you flesh this out. Most of the time we know we’re not happy, but we don’t know why or what we want.

I also have a gift of discernment. It works like a superpower to be able to see the whole picture of your life and put all the missing pieces of the happiness puzzle together.

My clients say I connect dots for them they have never seen before. In fact, they often refer to me as a Wizard.

I have to say, I love getting that feedback. It feels good to be living a life of purpose, using my gifts and talents to serve others. No more working like a dog to make other people’s dreams come true.

I want the same for you.

The second step is to get to work on fixing what you discovered as the real issue.

Your life is not going to magically get better, even when you work with a Wizardess like me.

There will be decisions you have to make and steps you need to take to make your dreams a reality.

Most people only think about changing their lives and that’s where they stay.

They fantasize, create the vision board and then get pissed off that the Law of Attraction lied.

Here’s the truth, nothing works in your life unless you get to work on your life.

It’s not all work after awhile though. For example, I talk with my clients about learning how to receive (a big problem for most of them.)

Ironically, learning how to receive requires effort at first. It requires learning where you are unwilling to give up control and then consciously “efforting” to release control. (Life is a paradox after all).

Once you’ve had a proper diagnosis, got to work in fixing what needs fixed, you go to step three which is maintain the changes you’ve made and evolve to the next level of happiness.

I can’t tell you how many coaches come to me for coaching and say, “I’ve already healed this or dealt with this” Yet, here it is cropping back up.

The reality is, we are evolving through our issues and they are transformed into higher quality problems.

No one is problem free. You are meant to evolve, to ask for more while simultaneously appreciating the “enoughness” you have.

We are supposed to grow. And you cannot grow without some level of outgrowing.

You must continue to ask yourself what you have outgrown and then give yourself permission to seek higher levels of fulfillment. For some of you, that’s where you are now.

But for now, let’s go back to the beginning.

• What needs to change RIGHT NOW?
• What action must you take to change it?
• Where can you ask for more while being grateful for what you have?

 

As always, I’d love to be your guide on your journey to fulfillment and happiness.

Let me come along side of you so I can expertly guide you back home to your most joyful, abundant and authentic self. Send me a message to discuss how to get started.

Know Yourself, Be Yourself, Love Yourself,

Heidi

How to Maintain NO CONTACT with a toxic or dysfunctional person though the Holidays.

So, you’re going no contact with someone you care about in your life and you came about it one of 3 ways.

1. You decided to walk away. Maybe you’re in a relationship with a toxic or dysfunctional person and you concluded you cannot continue to subject yourself to the insanity. It could be that you have an addicted child and although you’re in pain, you need to protect yourself and your family from the continued abuse drug addiction brings with it.
2. Someone you love x-communicated you. Their brand of insanity is to abandon or reject you periodically or permanently and it’s happening now.
3. You’re on a break. You may or may not be getting back together with this person but for now, space is what’s needed.

The scenario is less important than the outcome. And the result is you’re sad, anxious, hurt, angry and lonely.

I get it. I spent many Holidays navigating my alcoholic father, wondering when he’d catch fire trying to light the kerosene heater, with a Marlboro hanging out of his mouth after 14 Miller Lights. Thinking we should just uninvite him to Thanksgiving this year.

And then there’s another toxic person in my life who plays a mean game of “I love you, go away, come here, I hate you.”  And I lost my hand again this year.

I use the tips I’m about to give you and so do the hundreds of clients I’ve coached and counseled over the years.

Incidentally, I’m not so delusional to think that 5 tips are going to be enough to help you successfully navigate this. I realize it’s harder than that. That’s why I’m going to get you started here but also encourage you to send me a message so you can get the support you need.

With that said, let’s dig in.

I like acronyms. Today’s word is GIFTS.

It’s a way to remember that even the most difficult experiences in life are gifts on our path, here to help us get a little further down the trail of enlightenment, understanding compassion and self- love.

1. G is for Get Grateful.

I hear you saying, “Say what? How am I supposed to be grateful in this terrible situation? I don’t have my (son, daughter, mother, best friend, husband, girlfriend).

I know it’s hard to find anything to be grateful for in this moment. You wouldn’t choose this for yourself if you had a say.

But you don’t and it is what it is. So, in this case, have gratitude for the respite.

The behavior you’re trying to manage is unmanageable.

When you’re in war with a toxic or dysfunctional person, you’re in a war without weapons. It’s a war you can’t win.

Wave the white flag of surrender and let God’s grace carry you off the battlefield.

This break will provide you with the clear perspective you need. Be grateful for the time and space to let the fog clear.

2. I is for Invest in the relationships in front of you.

It’s tempting to put all the focus on the person who’s gone. It’s like you’re coloring a beautiful scene of a rainbow in a park and you have every color in the crayon box except black and suddenly you’re compelled to color a hole in the ground.

When you put your focus on the hole, you miss the rainbow.

The people in your life, who have demonstrated their commitment, love, and energy to you and the one’s who deserve your time and attention. These people provide the light in the dark.

How unfortunate that you should decide you can’t have your dysfunctional loved one at the table yet, you refuse to serve your guests a meal. Instead, you sit around and discuss the empty chair.

If they’re gone, let them be gone. It is what it is. For now.

3. F is for Focus on the present.

All we have is the present moment. Nothing is permanent and everything changes. We are wired like the seasons and are meant to follow the same rhythms.

Going no contact is a WINTER.

Now, some people love winter. They like the peaceful quietness and the stillness. They don’t mind that everything dies, because they see it as a white, clean slate being laid down. For them, it’s a time of reflection and contemplation.

For others, it’s torture and something to be endured. They see it as barren, empty, solemn, and lonely.

Everything is frozen and stalled.

NO CONTACT is winter.

Winter is a time of reflection, contemplation, hindsight and vision.

It gets quiet so you can go within.

You cannot rush the winter, you cannot will the winter away, you can simply allow it to be and use it for what it can give you: perspective and clarity.

Don’t worry about what’s coming next.

I don’t know if you’re going to end up working out your issues with your loved one. But I do know that worry and regret will not serve you now.

Likely, you’ve just survived an awful set of experiences that propelled you to this place of taking a break. When you replay those events over and over in your mind, your brain can’t tell the difference between past, present, and future. So, you’re retraumatizing yourself by replaying the incident(s).

It’s best to be here now.

And in THIS moment, you have everything you need.

Take a deep breath and be here now.

Worry will NOT fix this situation. It will only rob you of peace.

4. T is for Trade self-righteousness for reality.

You know what I love?

Christmas movies. Walking around a decorated mall, going in the Yankee Candle store and smelling all the Douglas Fir and Christmas cookie candles.

I love decorating my home. Each year, I put up a little village of people complete with lit up houses, and little tiny trees, and fake snow.

Then, I imagine living in one of those villages with people who all love on one another, sing carols to each other, and ice skate on the pond.

Basically, I want life to be like that tiny village.

But that’s not what I have.

What I have are relationships that cause me pain, and suffering, and make me feel rejected or abandoned, if I let them.

I experience pain only if I feel the injustice of my current position. Then, I live in the self-righteousness of life.

Self-Righteousness screams:

“This isn’t fair!”

“I should have what everyone else seems to have.”

“This shouldn’t be happening to me.”

“I deserve to have a functioning family!”

Let’s get real, none of us want to admit we play the victim role. But self-righteous is the victim.

So, let’s trade self-righteousness for reality.

I believe in this concept so much that I’ve made it one of my guiding principles in all my programs and retreats.

When you root in reality, you sever your relationship with how things are supposed be and deal in how they are.

And that’s where your power lays.

If you’re able to see things clearly, you can deal with anything. When you live in how you want it to be, you live in the fantasy of denial. And you stay stuck.

Self- righteousness makes other people’s behavior about you. It says, “Why does this person treat ME this way?”

Reality says a dog barks because it is a dog. And the sun shines because it is the sun.

And your mom treats you this way because she is herself.

Hear me. She is HERSELF before she is Mother (if she ever is mother).

Big distinction there.

When you see people for who they are instead of who you want them to be for you, YOU ARE FREE.

5. S is for Support.

I know you and you can handle a lot! You’re the one people come to when it hits the fan because you know HOW to deal in shit.

What if life wasn’t an exercise in tolerating misery?

What if the question wasn’t “how can I put up with this and survive it?”

What if you asked, “How can I have MORE joy, more love, and more peace no matter what others do?”

I know that may be crazy to consider. How can you possibly be happy in the face of all the stuff you’re dealing with?

How can you be happy when your son or daughter is self-destructing?

How can you be happy when your mom rejects you?

How can you be happy when you just broke up with the person you loved the most in the world?

YOU CAN.

And beyond that, you deserve to be happy no matter what.

But you don’t know HOW to do that. Yet.

But I can teach you.

That’s why I’m here.

I know how because I live in this place of total peace, love, and joy. Even though I have toxic and dysfunctional people in my life.

And now, I help other people just like you learn how to do the same.

If you’re ready to go to the next level and create the relationships you deserve, go to www.LoveCoachHeidi.com and request a consultation.

Or, if you are in a relationship with an addict or alcoholic, check out our revolutionary course to learn how to cope and deal right now. You can find that here…. https://revolutionarygrowth.mykajabi.com/revolutionary-growth-family-program

And as always, if you found this helpful, please share with someone you know is struggling this Holiday Season. Be the light in their dark place.

With love,

Know yourself, Be yourself, Love yourself.

Heidi