I was in Zumba class yesterday doing my normal thing, which is to get lost in the music, mouth the words in Spanish that I don’t speak, make random movements with my head and face that resemble a painful episode of toddlers and tiaras.

I caught myself in the mirror and I had a moment where I thought. “Man, I’m really weird.”

I then looked around for confirmation and sure enough, most of the rest of the 77 people in class were minding their polite Zumba business.

Doing the steps…normal facial expressions that matched the intensity of the moves.

This isn’t the first time I’ve looked around the room and heard “one of these kids is doing his own thing…”

Was it Sesame Street or the Electric Company.

It should be said. I’ve never been one to want t do things like anyone else. I do consider myself a bit of a rebel.

Ok sure, you can call it oppositional defiant. But that seems so “on purpose.” My weirdness seems more organic and les contrived.

Maybe you believe you’re different too. Maybe you have even wondered if “normal” was a thing.

IT IS.

There is a time when knowing “normal” is critical to your ability to have a happy life and that’s when it comes to relationships.

This is an area where you can’t afford to wonder.

Why?

Because, it’s one thing to wonder if you’re the only person in the seminar who definitely does not want to give your neighbor a massage, it’s another thing to wonder if the things you’re tolerating in your relationship are just par for the course.

How did you get confused?

Well, if you’re like most of the people I work with, you’ve come from a difficult background.  Now, I’ll leave that up to you to interpret.

But if you’ve witnessed “not so normal” behavior in relationships being passed off as just the way things are, likely, you’ve come to accept a certain level of F*ed- upness as “Fine. Just fine.”

And so, you went into your relationships tolerating some behavior that just isn’t “normal”.

Or what I like to call-Healthy.

So, here’s a short list I’ve created of “Not So Normal” relationship behaviors.

And if you see yourself or the one you love in this description, something needs to change. Because what you’ve been tolerating and settling for is causing you peace, sanity, fulfillment and true joy.

Now, not to worry, if you find you’ve been in the “not so normal zone” there is hope!

In the meantime here’s that Not So Normal list.

Side note: This list is based off of my Attachment Personality Pattern Methodology. If you want a deeper dive into these patterns, please apply to work together by requesting a complimentary consultation at www.LoveCoachHeidi.com

Also, this is by NO means a complete list. Of course, there are even more obvious signs that your relationship is unhealthy. If you are in an abusive relationship, please consider seeking help through the national abuse hotline www.thehotline.org

And now, the list of “NOT SO NORMAL RELATIONSHIP behaviors”…

1. Control issues.

You try and control the way others see, feel, and experience you. You try and convince others how to think, feel and believe in general.  Or, you’re being controlled by another attempting to do the same.  

2. Perfectionism

You’re not allowed to make mistakes and you have to have it all together all of the time. You have high to impossible expectations on yourself as well as those around you.

3. People Pleasing

It’s not okay to be you so you try and be whomever you need to be to gain approval, acceptance, or avoid problems. You say yes when you mean no. You go along with things even though you don’t want to so you won’t rock the boat.

4. Withholding

You want to be affectionate, loving, or display emotion, but you cannot. You hold yourself back from giving or being vulnerable due to trust issues.

5. Pretending

You’re NOT fine. But you pretend like everything is status quo. You likely self-medicate to tolerate the things you ignore. There’s an element of denial involved. You believe “it’s not that bad” though you know deep down, you’re drowning. You believe it will magically get better but it never does.

6. Clinging

You go ALL IN way to soon with the wrong people. You’re afraid that if you don’t seal the deal with constant attention, you’ll be forgotten or dismissed.  Space scares you. Things moving too slowly are excruciating.

7. Fixing

You have case loads instead of friends. You’re the rock, the one everyone comes to, but no one is ever there for you. You don’t know how to be in a relationship without being “needed.”

8. Victim Mentality

*To be clear, this is different that being a true victim. If you are in an abusive relationship, use the above resource for help.

 In this case, we’re using the term to describe an attitude of “it’s everyone else’s fault I’m in this situation. There’s nothing I can do.” It’s a belief that you are not in control of your choices and your life and that you could be happy if only others would change.

So what now?

If you’ve resonated with any of these “not so normal behavior patterns”, then you’re a great candidate for change because there is a solution!!!

I used to do many of these behaviors myself. Until one day, it all came to a head in my mid thirties.

I woke up alone, heartbroken, childless and hangover. And I thought, “There has to be a better way!”

That’s when I got busy making the health of my relationships a priority.

Because here’s the truth, you can have everything else. But if you have a relationship that’s causing you anxiety, depression, confusion or resentment, you’ll ask yourself “What’s the point?”

I believe I have the solution you’ve been looking for all along. And it’s not your typical relationship advice because, that’s not going to work for you or for me.

Remember? We’re different. It’s true. And you require a different approach. I have that radical NEW approach.

So, join me over www.LoveCoachHeidi.com and let’s talk.