There’s not a more frustrating relationship on the planet from my perspective than a relationship with an addict and alcoholic.

You rack your brain to try to figure out how to save this person’s life. Ultimately that’s really what’s at stake at the end of the day. You want to learn how to fix this. You want to learn how to get your loved one back.

If you could shake them awake you would.  You know they’re in there somewhere. And you just believe that if you could say the right thing or do the right thing you’d wake them up from this nightmare. You’’ get through to them and get them back and your family can be fixed and everybody can come back together again.

I know that feeling firsthand extremely well.I know that feeling of looking over at your loved one feeling like they’re lost and just wanted to call them home.

I get it and I want to tell you you’re in the right place to learn how to deal with this situation in your life because likely what you’ve been doing you’ve been doing out of love out of concern and care.  But it’s crazy making because it’s not working.

I’m going to give you some tools to deal with the addict or alcoholic in your life.

 

I’ve been an expert in the field of codependency coaching for a long time and on my journey,  I served as head faculty  at one of the world’s leading drug and alcohol treatment centers. I did that for about eight years before I transitioned into owning my own personal development company. 

As faculty, I co-created and facilitated a family program.

And every single month hundreds of families came through that program, raising their hand, telling the stories about what they would do to try to control their alcoholic or addict’s behavior. 

 

Whether it was a spouse or child or parent,  they discussed hiding alcohol, cancelling parties, hiding and doling out pills, and researching  “How to detox somebody”. Essentially, they were working harder on somebody’s recovery than the person who needed to recover. 

 

I understand this completely and I want to discuss the impact of these behaviors on your loved one and the impact on you if you continue these behaviors.

 

And then,, I want to offer a better way to help you and your entire family. 

 

I remember the first time thinking that I had some kind of control over my dad’s drinking.

He was an alcoholic. My parents were divorced and my dad would pick us up every other weekend. I was 5 or 6 when we first started going for weekends with my dad and I remember feeling terrified.  

 

My dad never drove anywhere without a beer between his legs. Whoever called shotgun would sit in the front seat and there’d be a six pack on the floor next to your feet. He’d reach over and grab that cold wet beer that grazed your leg and then all Hell would break loose.

He’d take his eyes off the road for as long as it took to down that beer. To a five year old, it felt like an eternity. 

 

I just remember being paralyzed with fear thinking “we’re going to die today”.

 

 I grew up in the Backwoods of West Virginia/ Pennsylvania in coal country where there were windy roads on hill tops without guardrails. I remember thinking, “He’s not partying attention!” I thought we were going to wreck. 

 

I needed to take control. That’s when  I invented a little game. I never called shotgun. I would sit right behind my dad so I could see right over his ear. I had a little imaginary steering wheel, a little break and a gas pedal from that backseat. So, when my dad would take his eyes off the road and I’d be hyper-vigilant, take over with my imaginary steering wheel and save us all from impending doom. 

 

 Because it worked (we never wrecked), that instilled in me this codependency control pattern  which is one of hyper-vigilance. 

 

If you grew up in a family of addiction or dysfunction or abuse you know this hyper-vigilance extremely well. It’s a belief that  you can control the toxic or dysfunctional person in your life if you just say the right thing or do the right thing. You’re always on guard, always seeking the “right strategy”. 

 

I tried other things to control my dad’s  alcoholism. 

 

My dad used to hide vodka in the  toilet tank. So I would take it out of the toilet tank dump the Vodka down the drain and put the bottle back thinking he would know it was me that did it and he’d feel so guilty and shame stricken that he’d quit drinking then and there.

 

Sometimes that would work. And other times, I would go back in there be a brand new bottle would be there. Then, I’d feel like a failure and resolve to try harder. 

 

I would have conversations with him thinking maybe he just doesn’t know what he’s doing. I’d save the empty beer cans and pile them up as proof to help him come to his senses.

 

 As a kid of an alcoholic or addicted parent, you truly believe the drinking is your fault and that you can fix it. And as adults, if we’re still locked in a toxic pattern of codependency, we continue to believe this lie.

 

We lecture, pointing out how much they’re drinking having these exhausting conversations with them. We dump out the alcohol. We avoid social gatherings. We go to restaurants without bars. We lock up the medication. 

 

But what of none of that is working?

 

What if we have no control?

 

If you love an addict or an alcoholic, the only thing that you can decide is how you’re going to choose to experience your loved one’s addiction.You decie how you participate in the dysfunction. 

 

You come up with, and learn to set and hold your boundaries. I used to confuse boundaries with ultimatums.

 

An ultimatum is a desperate plea, a manipulation to try to get somebody to change their behavior. IE “If you drink on Thanksgiving, I’m never letting you come over again and I will be devastated.”

 

Alcoholics don’t drink to ruin your Holiday because they don’t love you enough. They drink on thanksgiving because they’re actively alcoholic.  I used to say things like that to my dad thanksgiving and then I would be full of resentment, anxiety and pain and confusion when he drank anyway. I’d wonder where I went wrong or why he didn’t respect me.

 

A boundary is for YOU. It’s a warning to others what they can expect from you when they violate what you’re available or unavailable for. IE: “Dad if you come over and your drink on Thanksgiving, you will be asked to leave  or I will leave.” 

 

I remember telling my dad at one point “I love you so much but when you drink I feel really uncomfortable and triggered and it makes me feel super anxious. So if you’re going to drink or I notice that you’re drunk, I will be leaving.” And then, when he drank, I left. I’d say, “I love you and I am leaving now.”

 

I wasn’t  looking for a fight, for justification or rationalization. I was looking out for myself. 

 

So, how do you start to set and hold boundaries with an addict or an alcoholic versus trying to control their behavior?

 

The first step is awareness. How are you trying to control your loved one’s addiction?  

 

The second step is to get help. Al-Anon is a great free resource.There are online and in-person support groups where you can feel heard and know you are not alone. But if you want step by step guidance and strategic advice, consider reaching out to schedule an appointment so we can look at your unique situation and figure out what to do next.

Love,

Coach Heidi

 

Finding an Being Your True Self

 

Who are you, really? Most of the time  we don’t know who we really are. We walk through the world with a fear of being found out. The thought intrudes, “Any minute now they’re going to figure out you’re a fake, you don’t know what you’re doing and you’re not that great.”

At the same time, you long to unleash your authentic, confident, radiant  self into the world because you have a conflicting feeling that underneath it all, you may just be as incredible as you hope you are. 

 

But which one is the real you?

 

Do you even have a true self? Or are we ever changing? Is the True Self a fixed, static thing or a moving state of becoming?

 

Wouldn’t it  be amazing if you could uncover and BE your true self?

What would your True Self give you permission to do, be or have?

 

Would you worry less  about what you? Would you placate or people please less? Would you hare your feelings more? Would you put yourself or your work out into the world? Would you set and hold more boundaries?

 

Essentially, would you feel like you have less to prove?

 

Yes. Because when you’re not in touch with your true self, you’re lacking self-esteem and self-confidence.

 

How can you have self-esteem and self-confidence if you do not know your true self? You cannot because  you’ll have a  false self-esteem, a false sense of confidence and what is that? That’s narcissism.

 

 That’s what that looks like on a social media post, only presenting a curated image of oneself that the world might find pleasing. 

 

You also know you don’t know your true self when you get easily triggered by abandonment or rejection and head into a shame spiral, doubting what you think, feel, or believe to be true about yourself.

 

When that happens, you realize you’re on shaky ground and you need to get  rooted in your truth. When you’re rooted in your True Self, you have an authentic feeling of self-esteem. IT’s not a better than others attitude. It’s a quiet confidence that radiates from within.  It’s not put on. It’s not a fake it ’til you make it. It’s authentically empowered.

 

Your true self is that  never changing part of you  that doesn’t need to placate or pretend to be something that it’s not. It’s your essence. And your essence is pure, egoless, divinely connected, interconnected oneness, lacking nothing, whole and complete. 

 

The problem is that whole, undefinable existence when we think of our True Self, we don’t think about that. We think of our ego. We reference our title, position, role, or personality to create an Identity.

 

We think, “My true self is I am a mother, or a CEO or a Doctor, or a Coach, A Father, etc. 

Or we identify with an affliction. “I’m an alcoholic.”, “I’m the mother of an addict.” Or we identify our true self with our Spiritual Path, “I’m a Taoist”, or “I’m a Christian.” Or we identify with an adjective, “I’m a good person.” or, “I’m a loving, kind, giving, person.”

 

If you are not the adjectives you use to describe yourself,

If you are not your medical conditions or currently overcome afflictions (IE Survivor)

If you are not the role you play in someone else’s life.

If you are not your job….who are you?

 

We have all these identities that are keeping us stuck from knowing our True Selves. And to me, the worst culprit is the identity of personalities. Especially when it comes to personalities we developed out of dysfunction, abuse, addiction, or a toxic environment.  

 

I call these Attachment Personality Patterns or APPS. These attachment personalities are  something you downloaded from your family of origin that we take on in order to thrive, survive, connect, cope in our family of origin.

 

If you grew up in a  Dysfunctional Family Dynamic where there was alcoholism, addiction, abuse, neglect, or other forms of toxicity you take on this personality pattern in an attempt to reconcile  who you needed to be to get your needs met, avoid conflict or otherwise survive.

 

So, my idea is that in order for you find your true self, you must first see who you have been

 

How can you know who you truly are if truly are if you don’t even know who you’ve been.

 

The truth is, you likely have not been who you really are. You have been who you needed to be and that’s what I call  an Attachment Personality Pattern.

 

When I first started to do codependency coaching in the world, I learned about the  codependency patterns such as the low self-esteem pattern, the denial pattern, the compliance pattern, etc, 

 

But I found these descriptors to be limiting in the way that they prevented one from fully being able to clearly identify.  If one cannot identify their pattern, there is no chance of breaking free from it.

So, the first step when you want to break free from a false self is to identify the adaptive attachment personality pattern.

 

My aim in creating the patterns was to  make it easy to identify yourself in a much clearer way that doesn’t paint you into a corner, but allows you to see how your pattern uniquely affects you.

 

I have discovered eight Personality Patterns to date. 

 

And you can find out more about them as we continue to deepen our relationship through these blogs, videos, and coaching programs. There, we will go more in depth to each pattern.

 

The 8 patterns are as follows: The Controller,  The Fixer, The Pretender/Performer, The People Pleaser, The Survivor/Victim, The Perfectionist, The Withholder, and The Clinger. 

 

All of these patterns we take on keep us from becoming the truest version of who we really are. What started as a coping strategy that may have worked for some time in childhood, has become your Achilles’ heel in your adult relationships.

 

For sake of example, let’s look briefly at the Pretender.

 

I’ve been doing this codependency work for 20 years. I was head faculty  at one of the world’s leading Drug and alcohol Treatment Centers, where Irean group therapy and led psychoeducational lectures.  

One day, a gentleman raised his hand and said, “You know, I can’t be that bad! My daughter is about to go into law school! She’s amazing! Everyone loves her and she’s perfect. She never has any problems. So, I can’t be that bad. Look at her!”. 

 

The Pretender learns early on that they are not allowed to have any problems because the alcoholic has the family all stocked up.

 

They don’t want to run the risk of telling those at school that dad’s an alcoholic, or mom’s not taking care of the family because they don’t want to be looked at as a problem or as less than. So, they learn to pretend they’re fine. Of course they actually convince themselves they are fine and ten the curate other’s opinions of themselves by only showing what’s attractive, acceptable or likable. 

 

All else, the feelings, the hurt, the messy, ugly truth gets buried. 

 

As an adult, this person is in a constant state of denial. They are asleep to one’s True Self.

 

If you’ve ever felt like an imposter, or a pressure cooker, boiling under the surface, you can see how important it is to identify your attachment Personality Pattern and start the necessary work of unbecoming who you are not.

 

I believe most people in the world are just struggling to become. We want to learn how to become the best, the most. 

 

I think true happiness and authenticity is about Unbecoming.  For me, is not about acquisition it’s about release.

When you identify and release who you’re not, you’re free to see who you already are, underneath all else.

 

Radiant. Divine. Messy. Perfect. Imperfect.  The Whole.

 

Love,

Coach Heidi

Learn more about our programs or reach out here.

In my coaching  practice, helping people navigate dysfunctional relationships, one of the most common questions I get is “Can a narcissist change?” 

 

Today we’re going to talk about a few key distinctions regarding a narcissist and talk about what  you need to know to see if someone can change or not.

 

First,  this is just my opinion. Although it’s an educated perspective with over a decade of hands-on experience, I’m not necessarily giving you the gospel or an absolute answer. What I am doing is giving you food for thought. So, know that even if you hear something today that doesn’t give you a lot of hope that they’re going to change, you may still be on the fence about whether you should stay or go  and you may need more clarity. Of course, I always recommend seeking out wise counsel such as a codependency coach (like myself) or a therapist to help you further.

 

In any case, you don’t have to make any big decisions today; you just have to take the first step which is cultivating awareness .

 

 A lot of time we stay in a dysfunctional or toxic relationship because we don’t even know we’re in one.  We just think of it as being  “complicated”  or we believe we’re with a “difficult  person”. There’s a big difference between someone with tendencies to be narcissistic and someone who has narcissistic personality disorder. As laypeople, (not psychologists) we don’t  necessarily make the distinction between those two things but we sure as heck throw that word around a lot! 

 

Most lump everybody into the category of narcissist and conflate that with actually having a disorder.  The truth is many times somebody  isn’t a diagnosable narcissistic but has a lot of the same watered down traits. It’s important that we suss that out because  those differences answer the question, “Can a narcissist change?”

 

What we’re really talking about is nature versus nurture. From my perspective and for the purposes of explaining this,  Nature is like a deep embedded psychological disorder that has a low probability for change. This is how someone IS.  Nurture is a behavior pattern that one adopts that hasn’t been ingrained; it’s just the way they’re “showing up”.  This is how someone is behaving. Nurture can change. Nature likely does not. 

 

I work with people all of the time to help them undo those dysfunctional “Nurture” behavior patterns they adopted as a way to connect, thrive, survive, connect or cope. I call them Attachment Personality Patterns. Think of these as attachment styles. And these can be changed. 

 

And I work with others to help them see and accept other’s true “Nature”, helping them let go of unrealistic, hurtful and self damaging expectations they hold for others to be someone other than who they are and are not capable of being.  

 

Obviously, knowing the difference between the two is paramount. This is by no means a complete list of traits.I  am not attempting to diagnose anyone (One needs to employ a Psychologist for a diagnostic session to do that).  I’m simply putting forth an educated and experienced perspective to help increase your awareness.

 

Let’s review some common criteria for narcissistic tendencies.

1. A feeling of superiority. There is a  belief that they are better than everyone if not most people. They do not see themselves as having any issues and often project those issues onto others. They believe their way of thinking and believing is the absolute right and best way. In a class I took at Yale, I learned that most people actually think they’re better looking than they are. smarter than they are and are optimistic when it comes to themselves. So we can all run the risk of thinking we’re superior. 

 

But it crosses a line whenever a person degrades other people,constantly putting other people down to just propel themselves up. Narcissism at the end of the day, is this is a regulation tool to regulate self-esteem. You need to ask the question, “Is this person attempting to make themselves feel better by pretending they are better? And they know they’re pretending? If they’re putting on an act, they can lay down the role and choose another character. They can change. . 

 

But what if this person truly believes they ARE better?

 

Is this person dismissive and putting people down, being extremely judgmental? Do they believe that their way is the only way and the right way? If so, the odds of somebody like that changing that behavior is slim. A person like that is in denial and unable to  recognize that their superiority is a problem.

 2. A sense of entitlement.

We can all run the risk of believing we are entitled and on our worst behavior, we may demand we be treated better or differently. We can go to the restaurant and just be expected to get seated right away. Or, we think we should get the best seat, the best deal, or the best outcome.  Some even have the belief they shouldn’t’  have to work that hard for anything. And if we can recognize our tendencies to behave this way, we can change it!

 

So, when does that behavior move from annoying and changeable to engrained and dangerous? When a true narcissist feels so entitled that they TAKE from you or anyone else whatever it is they desire without regard to how you feel about it. What likely cannot change is somebody who demands you go along with what they demand. There’s an intense element of control over you.

 

This type of person will take from you when you are not willing to give it. This can get into an abusive situation. If you are being violated emotionally physically, financially or sexually, you can take steps to remove yourself and discuss it with someone at www.thehotline.org.  

 

A Narcissist takes and takes without regard to you because a Narcissistic Personality Disorder lacks empathy. They do NOT have insight into how their behavior is impacting you and if they do suddenly seem to feel remorse, it’s often in an attempt to manipulate you into coming back to them.

 

This person is not going to change.

3. A lack of empathy. At a benign level, this shows up as someone being emotionally slow on the uptake. They don’t have a handle on how to see others perspectives. One will say something like, “I just don’t get why people feel bad for addicts or homeless people. They should get a job.” This is a lack of compassion. But it turns into a lack of empathy when someone cannot understand why someone is suffering. One might say, “I don’t get why they feel bad. They should just change it.”

I think we do this a lot in our society with “toxic positivity”. We want to tell people to suck it up, stop feeling bad and get off the pity pot. We tell them to put their big girl pants on or to buck up, toughen up. Not allowing or being able to see others feelings is  a lack of empathy. We can all fall into this category from time to time and this doesn’t  make us a diagnosable narcissist. And this, we CAN change.

 

But when is it likely NOT to change? 

 

When someone is actively hurting another human being and living in complete denial of that fact. When the narcissist continues to inflict emotional, psychological, physical or financial pain on another person/people and does not stop the behavior when confronted with the feelings of the others, this is pathological. 

And/or when the narcissist is confronted with hurting you and gaslights you. I’ve done other videos and written other articles detailing gaslighting. But in essence, it’s when one attempts to make you question your own perceptions, beliefs or reality. They may even blame you for playing a supposed part in the pain they inflicted. Or they tell you how to think, feel or behave about the pain they inflicted.. This is very sick, manipulative and will not change. 

4. Manipulation Tactics. To some extent, many of us play games, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. There are Youtube videos with millions of views where the title is, “How to make him want you. “How to get her to text you back.” “How to make him crazy for you. “How to win her back.” That’s ALL manipulation and they are games we play to trigger people’s insecurity. This is changeable if we can recognize and interrupt the games we play, trading it for a more authentic experience which will create more meaningful relationships.

But when is it likely not to change? When the manipulation feels like the gaslighting I mentioned earlier. There’s an element of feeling like  you’re crazy. You start to believe the lies and accept unacceptable behavior. You find that you “keep getting sucked back in” despite your best intentions to move on.

 

Instead of wondering why they haven’t texted you back, you start to wonder if they even like you because they play a game like an avoidant personality: “I love you, go away.”I hate you, don’t leave me.” “they blame you for their infidelity of unacceptable behavior and you believe it. 

5. Control Issues. Alright, I confess.  I can be a very controlling person. If you’re into  the Enneagram  I happen to be an 8.  And an 8 on the Enneagram is a confident assured person who likes control and power. While that can be a very good thing for helping YOU find YOUR power, it can also be destructive when it’s unhealthy. Before I did the work necessary to heal my codependency (controlling is a pattern), I found myself trying to curate other’s opinions of me by controlling what others saw in me, only sharing just enough but still maintaining distance. I saw vulnerability as weakness, so I felt I needed to maintain control of myself, and sometimes others, at all times.  I didn’t want others to make “mistakes” so I attempted to control how they did things to ensure the “best “ outcome. Healthy? NO! Changeable? YES!  I knew controlling things was killing me. It actually contributed to an immense anxiety issue that I self medicate with alcohol. So, when I healed, I learned the art of surrender which I used to think was a dirty word. My study of taoism has helped me tremendously with this concept. 

 

It becomes troubling and unlikely unchangeable when you’re not “allowed” to have a different opinion from someone and you are being convinced how to think, feel and behave. You’re not “allowed” to express your feelings when they’re differing.  The problem is in the “Not Allowed”. If at any time you feel you’re not “allowed” to do anything, this is a dangerous and controlling partner. And likely not to change. I’ve worked with clients who ask, “What if they are controlling me for my own good?” 

 

Well, to believe that any of us truly has any control over another human being is the ultimate narcissistic viewpoint. 

 

So, can a narcissist change? 

 

Hopefully you know now that the only time things are likely to change is when you’re dealing with someone who has narcissistic tendencies not someone who has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 

 

If one has this disorder, research shows that only long term therapy is helpful, however little change  is actually made if at all. The truth about why narcissists don’t change is actually because by the nature of their disorder, they don’t recognize they have a problem.

 

Most are forced into therapy by way of threatened connection. And they go begrudgingly, mostly in the hopes to clear their name. 

 

Now what? If you’re in a relationship and you are identifying that these are only tendencies and not a diagnosable disorder, this is great news! Things can change! And you can seek out support to take the next steps!

 

But what if you see this may be unchangeable? You have to ask yourself if you’re willing to stay with this person if nothing changes. 

 

Thanks for reading and I hope you found this helpful. If you’d like more help and resources you can find them at www.LoveCoachHeidi.Com 

 

Love,

Coach Heidi