How to change people

by | Mar 28, 2016 | Advice, Dating, Dating Coach, Relationship Coaching, Relationships

Can you change someone else?
YES! Or NO! Circle one.
Yes! You can.
But it won’t happen without you doing anything. There are three steps.
Step One: Grab a pen and a piece of paper and write Dear Honey at the top of the page.
Step 2: I want you to get very specific. What would you like to change about them? Think for a minute about all of the things that drive you crazy about them. Now write all of those things down.
Step 3. Cross out Honey, and put your name instead.
Have you ever heard the saying, “You are what bothers you about other people?”
Or how about “What’s missing in your relationship is what you’re withholding?
Let’s look at that list again. Let’s pretend you wrote down:
My partner needs to show more affection.
Now, I want you to ask yourself, “How do I show affection?”

You may think you show affection. But I am going to hedge a bet that you actually withhold it. And I bet it goes something like this, “I showed affection last time. I’m going to wait for them to be affectionate this time.”
“I’ll say I love you when he says I love you”.
You see? You become like a scorekeeper in the affection department and you give or withhold according to whose winning or losing.
Here’s the deal. If you want more affection in your relationship, be more affectionate!
If you want more help. Help more.
If you want more passion, for God’s sake, get sexy!
If you want to feel appreciated, appreciate yourself! Really! Take your gorgeous self down to the grocery store and buy yourself some flowers! Better yet, go to the actual florist!
Want more romance? Draw a hot bubble bath, light the candles and call your partner in to wash your back!
But we don’t do that. Right? We wait for someone else to give us what we desire most. STOP WAITING! Its not going to happen that way! You have to give yourself what you want the most.
And then. Something radical happens. When you start giving, you start getting! That’s right!
You deserve to get your needs met. Go on. Meet them.
I love you,
Heidi

Having a hard time letting things go? be like the apple tree.

by | Feb 18, 2016 | Advice, Dating, Dating Coach, Relationship Coaching, Relationships

Why do you think people have such a hard time letting things go? There are books written about how to let go and sayings like, “Let got and let God.” It sounds so romantic! But still, we struggle. Let’s take a minute and look at the apple tree because it’s the perfect example of how to let something go.
An apple tree is standing tall, admiring it’s fruit and it comes across a rotten apple. What does it do? It simply drops it. It lets it go.
But what if the apple were like us? It would probably stand there and make up a million stories about what may happen if it let’s it go!
“Oh, what if I let it go and it hits a stranger or a small child?”
“What if I let it go and no more fruit comes in its place? I’ll have an empty hole!”
“What if only part of it goes?” If the apple tree were like us, it would never let anything go. It would never bear new fruit.
When I was in my early twenties, I was dating a man who was very bad for me. He was abusive and it was a terribly unhealthy relationship. But I stayed because I told myself a story about what would happen if I left.
“He won’t be able to move on!”
“He will hurt himself!”
“He will follow me and never leave me alone!”
Well, I ignored tat story and I ended the relationship.
Do you know that he didn’t even have the nerve to stalk me? NO! Didn’t even call once. Probably didn’t even know I left!
The stories we tell ourselves about why we can’t let go are the only reason letting go is hard. Stop telling the story and be like the apple tree. Drop the rotten and make room for the new!
Love,
Heidi

Handling rejection, people who play games and self esteem. 

by | Feb 8, 2016 | Advice, Dating, Dating Coach, Relationship Coaching, Relationships

Recently, I sat down with Hillary Raimo and YIN Radio to discuss everything relationships! It’s funny what comes up when you have two hours to lay it all out! The hot topic was our real value.
I had a great time answering some tough questions and I believe there are some nuggets of wisdom for you to take away. And of course, if nothing else, you can see my cute little dogs having a blast in the background! lol
I hope you enjoy!
Was there something that stood out for you?
Leave a comment. And please sign up for our Love Class updates!
Feel free to share this if you know someone needs to hear it!
Love you!
​Heidi

Pretending Paula: the price we pay for being “fine”

by | Jan 18, 2016 | Advice, Relationship Coaching, Relationships

How are you? Fine
How do you like your job? It’s fine.
How is your relationship? It’s fine.
There are acronyms for FINE. Frustrated Insecure Neurotic and Emotional. Feelings Inside Not Expressed. Or my favorite:
Feeling Inadequate, Needing Encouragement.
Basically, the woman who is “fine” is Pretending Paula. She always has a smile on her face. She looks put together. But inside, she’s a ticking time bomb.
I thought about being ‘FINE” the other day. I was standing at the DMV and we were there THREE HOURS. By we, I mean me and my toddler. She had been doing really well. Playing. Singing songs. And then, she wasn’t fine. And she doesn’t know how to pretend. She got super tired and needed sleep NOW!
She had a grade A melt down. She started freaking out! Everyone was STARING the “what the Hells the matter with your child?” death stare.
In that moment, because my Daughter wasn’t able to pretend to be fine, I was acutely aware of what she needed.
I looked around and said…”Alright everyone, listen up! I’m about to nurse her. So if that’s not something you want to see today, I suggest you turn around because it’s about to go down!”
Pretending Paula would have frozen. She would have stood there more concerned with what people were thinking than moving into action, sweaty, shushing and rocking inconsolable child,  with a forced smile on her face. And if you asked her if she was ok, she would have lied that she was FINE! No, screw that, she was GREAT!
Why do we do this? Because you CAN . You can put a smile on your face when you are terrified. Or put a new shade of lipstick on and go out after your marriage suddenly ends. Or you can laugh at a co workers joke when you really feel like telling them to piss off. We do it because somewhere we learned that it’s not ok to complain. Looking good is more important. That strong women power through the uncomfortable. That we pick ourselves up. We use our “Bad ass boss babe lady balls”.
PS. I truly hate all of those stupid terms. And anything with balls in it totally drives me nuts. Why? because balls are actually very sensitive!
But these women don’t like to be called sensitive. They earned that that’s a sign of weakness. So, instead of sad, mad, or empty…they get to be fine.
And nothing changes until it implodes.
You are gifted with your sensitivity to remind you that your live is meant to be full of joy. Your dissatisfaction is a divine intervention nudging you towards the destiny of your life. Stop sushing it with a fake ass smile on your face!
Listen to it. Honor it. Turn dissatisfaction into discipline towards making change.

How about you? Can you relate to pretending Paula? Leave a comment, like and share.
Love to you!
​Heidi

How to stop settling, once and for all…dammit!

by | Dec 12, 2015 | Advice, Relationship Coaching, Relationships

How much of your day is spent settling for an experience that’s less than you deserve? And how much of YOU yearns for a life that’s a little more satisfying?
When I ask myself that question, immediately, I turn to other people and ask myself, “what bullshit am I putting u with from you?” How are YOU not meeting me expectations?
But what if I saved the finger pointing and went introspective instead.
How am I creating experiences that are less than what I truly want?
Let’s take eating. Becasue for most of us, meals are a place to find pleasure.
There can be pleasure in preparing a meal. You are in the mood for Italian. So, you prepare the sauce. You let it simmer. You open the pot and let the spices hit your nose. Mmmm. smells lovely. You set the space at the table. You could, if you wanted, choose to use your best dishes and your favorite cup. The one you got at pier one. You could light a candle, sit down and watch your fork as it twirls up the spaghetti and then slowly place that perfect bite in your mouth. You could chew and I mean chew your food. Enjoying each bite.
Or, you can settle. And you can stand at the fridge, open up that spaghetti container, pick up a noodle with your bare hands and suck it down. You could eat it cold. You could refuse utensils.
It’s not about the spaghetti. Spagetti is a metaphor for how we love on ourselves. Notice I didn’t say, how you love yourself. I said, How you love ON yourself.
So, do you love yourself with cold, finger scooping, fridge standing kind of settling love?
Is that what you deserve? Is that how you want others to love you? You are leading the charge. You are treating people how to treat you.
Heat up your Goddamn spaghetti!!!
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ARE MEN REALLY EMOTIONALLY dumb?

by | Nov 13, 2015 | Advice, Dating, Dating Coach, Relationship Coaching, Relationships, Understanding Men

questioning man

questioning man

Have you picked up a book on Men lately? Most of them are touting advice that help women get him to open up, or share his feelings, or communicate.
The other day, I saw an article on some web site that said, “Communicate with your Man in 10 words or less.” I mean, is this something we actually need? Is he really that dumb? Does he truly have the attention span of gnat? Is he the emotional equivalent of a toddler?
Is he a dumb ape?
Is he really incapable of expressing himself? Is this still a thing?
In the decade I have been coaching women, I’m going to say, NO! It is NOT a thing! More women come to me to ask how to get their man to STOP sharing so many feelings than to get him to talk.
This sounds like more of your Grandmas problem that a NOW problem. Doesn’t it? I mean, if you picture a stoic man, who comes to mind? My Grandpa Frank comes to mine.
We want men to share their feelings. But only on our terms.
You know what I mean?
You want him to have feelings, but only when it’s convenient.
“Don’t have feelings when I’m having feelings!”
And when he shares his feelings when we don’t want him to, we tell him he must be manstrating and tell him to man up.
Most of the women I talk with are feeling like there is a man crisis. For example, the man bun! Or the pink bearded lumbersexual.
So if we want Men, but we want emotionally available Men. What is the balance then?
How do we create a space for men to be able to share their feelings?
Often, when you ask a man how he feels, it will take him a minute to find the answer. So, while he is searching himself to find the answer, we interpret that pause as he must not know how he feels or he is about to make something up. Neither are true. We process things a little quicker because we walk around all day long with people asking us how we feel. So, our feelings are always on the top of our minds. Most Men aren’t standing around asking, “So, Ted! Feelings? Go.”
Most Men keep it on the lighter side. Why? Training.
We train men that it’s not ok to talk about feelings when they are boys.
Then, we marry them and beat them up for not expressing themselves.
Then when they do, we tell them they are turning us off and call them a Pussy.
They can’t win.
So, how so you get your Man to share? You ALLOW it.
You don’t need to train him. He’s not dumb. He knows how to do it.
Here’s how we allow: Ask him. Then shut up.
I know this is a hard one for me. But just like you, he doesn’t want to be interrupted. And just like you, after he shares, he will feel better. And he will move on.
How about you? Do you allow your Man to share?
Love you,
​Heidi
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