In my coaching  practice, helping people navigate dysfunctional relationships, one of the most common questions I get is “Can a narcissist change?” 

 

Today we’re going to talk about a few key distinctions regarding a narcissist and talk about what  you need to know to see if someone can change or not.

 

First,  this is just my opinion. Although it’s an educated perspective with over a decade of hands-on experience, I’m not necessarily giving you the gospel or an absolute answer. What I am doing is giving you food for thought. So, know that even if you hear something today that doesn’t give you a lot of hope that they’re going to change, you may still be on the fence about whether you should stay or go  and you may need more clarity. Of course, I always recommend seeking out wise counsel such as a codependency coach (like myself) or a therapist to help you further.

 

In any case, you don’t have to make any big decisions today; you just have to take the first step which is cultivating awareness .

 

 A lot of time we stay in a dysfunctional or toxic relationship because we don’t even know we’re in one.  We just think of it as being  “complicated”  or we believe we’re with a “difficult  person”. There’s a big difference between someone with tendencies to be narcissistic and someone who has narcissistic personality disorder. As laypeople, (not psychologists) we don’t  necessarily make the distinction between those two things but we sure as heck throw that word around a lot! 

 

Most lump everybody into the category of narcissist and conflate that with actually having a disorder.  The truth is many times somebody  isn’t a diagnosable narcissistic but has a lot of the same watered down traits. It’s important that we suss that out because  those differences answer the question, “Can a narcissist change?”

 

What we’re really talking about is nature versus nurture. From my perspective and for the purposes of explaining this,  Nature is like a deep embedded psychological disorder that has a low probability for change. This is how someone IS.  Nurture is a behavior pattern that one adopts that hasn’t been ingrained; it’s just the way they’re “showing up”.  This is how someone is behaving. Nurture can change. Nature likely does not. 

 

I work with people all of the time to help them undo those dysfunctional “Nurture” behavior patterns they adopted as a way to connect, thrive, survive, connect or cope. I call them Attachment Personality Patterns. Think of these as attachment styles. And these can be changed. 

 

And I work with others to help them see and accept other’s true “Nature”, helping them let go of unrealistic, hurtful and self damaging expectations they hold for others to be someone other than who they are and are not capable of being.  

 

Obviously, knowing the difference between the two is paramount. This is by no means a complete list of traits.I  am not attempting to diagnose anyone (One needs to employ a Psychologist for a diagnostic session to do that).  I’m simply putting forth an educated and experienced perspective to help increase your awareness.

 

Let’s review some common criteria for narcissistic tendencies.

1. A feeling of superiority. There is a  belief that they are better than everyone if not most people. They do not see themselves as having any issues and often project those issues onto others. They believe their way of thinking and believing is the absolute right and best way. In a class I took at Yale, I learned that most people actually think they’re better looking than they are. smarter than they are and are optimistic when it comes to themselves. So we can all run the risk of thinking we’re superior. 

 

But it crosses a line whenever a person degrades other people,constantly putting other people down to just propel themselves up. Narcissism at the end of the day, is this is a regulation tool to regulate self-esteem. You need to ask the question, “Is this person attempting to make themselves feel better by pretending they are better? And they know they’re pretending? If they’re putting on an act, they can lay down the role and choose another character. They can change. . 

 

But what if this person truly believes they ARE better?

 

Is this person dismissive and putting people down, being extremely judgmental? Do they believe that their way is the only way and the right way? If so, the odds of somebody like that changing that behavior is slim. A person like that is in denial and unable to  recognize that their superiority is a problem.

 2. A sense of entitlement.

We can all run the risk of believing we are entitled and on our worst behavior, we may demand we be treated better or differently. We can go to the restaurant and just be expected to get seated right away. Or, we think we should get the best seat, the best deal, or the best outcome.  Some even have the belief they shouldn’t’  have to work that hard for anything. And if we can recognize our tendencies to behave this way, we can change it!

 

So, when does that behavior move from annoying and changeable to engrained and dangerous? When a true narcissist feels so entitled that they TAKE from you or anyone else whatever it is they desire without regard to how you feel about it. What likely cannot change is somebody who demands you go along with what they demand. There’s an intense element of control over you.

 

This type of person will take from you when you are not willing to give it. This can get into an abusive situation. If you are being violated emotionally physically, financially or sexually, you can take steps to remove yourself and discuss it with someone at www.thehotline.org.  

 

A Narcissist takes and takes without regard to you because a Narcissistic Personality Disorder lacks empathy. They do NOT have insight into how their behavior is impacting you and if they do suddenly seem to feel remorse, it’s often in an attempt to manipulate you into coming back to them.

 

This person is not going to change.

3. A lack of empathy. At a benign level, this shows up as someone being emotionally slow on the uptake. They don’t have a handle on how to see others perspectives. One will say something like, “I just don’t get why people feel bad for addicts or homeless people. They should get a job.” This is a lack of compassion. But it turns into a lack of empathy when someone cannot understand why someone is suffering. One might say, “I don’t get why they feel bad. They should just change it.”

I think we do this a lot in our society with “toxic positivity”. We want to tell people to suck it up, stop feeling bad and get off the pity pot. We tell them to put their big girl pants on or to buck up, toughen up. Not allowing or being able to see others feelings is  a lack of empathy. We can all fall into this category from time to time and this doesn’t  make us a diagnosable narcissist. And this, we CAN change.

 

But when is it likely NOT to change? 

 

When someone is actively hurting another human being and living in complete denial of that fact. When the narcissist continues to inflict emotional, psychological, physical or financial pain on another person/people and does not stop the behavior when confronted with the feelings of the others, this is pathological. 

And/or when the narcissist is confronted with hurting you and gaslights you. I’ve done other videos and written other articles detailing gaslighting. But in essence, it’s when one attempts to make you question your own perceptions, beliefs or reality. They may even blame you for playing a supposed part in the pain they inflicted. Or they tell you how to think, feel or behave about the pain they inflicted.. This is very sick, manipulative and will not change. 

4. Manipulation Tactics. To some extent, many of us play games, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. There are Youtube videos with millions of views where the title is, “How to make him want you. “How to get her to text you back.” “How to make him crazy for you. “How to win her back.” That’s ALL manipulation and they are games we play to trigger people’s insecurity. This is changeable if we can recognize and interrupt the games we play, trading it for a more authentic experience which will create more meaningful relationships.

But when is it likely not to change? When the manipulation feels like the gaslighting I mentioned earlier. There’s an element of feeling like  you’re crazy. You start to believe the lies and accept unacceptable behavior. You find that you “keep getting sucked back in” despite your best intentions to move on.

 

Instead of wondering why they haven’t texted you back, you start to wonder if they even like you because they play a game like an avoidant personality: “I love you, go away.”I hate you, don’t leave me.” “they blame you for their infidelity of unacceptable behavior and you believe it. 

5. Control Issues. Alright, I confess.  I can be a very controlling person. If you’re into  the Enneagram  I happen to be an 8.  And an 8 on the Enneagram is a confident assured person who likes control and power. While that can be a very good thing for helping YOU find YOUR power, it can also be destructive when it’s unhealthy. Before I did the work necessary to heal my codependency (controlling is a pattern), I found myself trying to curate other’s opinions of me by controlling what others saw in me, only sharing just enough but still maintaining distance. I saw vulnerability as weakness, so I felt I needed to maintain control of myself, and sometimes others, at all times.  I didn’t want others to make “mistakes” so I attempted to control how they did things to ensure the “best “ outcome. Healthy? NO! Changeable? YES!  I knew controlling things was killing me. It actually contributed to an immense anxiety issue that I self medicate with alcohol. So, when I healed, I learned the art of surrender which I used to think was a dirty word. My study of taoism has helped me tremendously with this concept. 

 

It becomes troubling and unlikely unchangeable when you’re not “allowed” to have a different opinion from someone and you are being convinced how to think, feel and behave. You’re not “allowed” to express your feelings when they’re differing.  The problem is in the “Not Allowed”. If at any time you feel you’re not “allowed” to do anything, this is a dangerous and controlling partner. And likely not to change. I’ve worked with clients who ask, “What if they are controlling me for my own good?” 

 

Well, to believe that any of us truly has any control over another human being is the ultimate narcissistic viewpoint. 

 

So, can a narcissist change? 

 

Hopefully you know now that the only time things are likely to change is when you’re dealing with someone who has narcissistic tendencies not someone who has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 

 

If one has this disorder, research shows that only long term therapy is helpful, however little change  is actually made if at all. The truth about why narcissists don’t change is actually because by the nature of their disorder, they don’t recognize they have a problem.

 

Most are forced into therapy by way of threatened connection. And they go begrudgingly, mostly in the hopes to clear their name. 

 

Now what? If you’re in a relationship and you are identifying that these are only tendencies and not a diagnosable disorder, this is great news! Things can change! And you can seek out support to take the next steps!

 

But what if you see this may be unchangeable? You have to ask yourself if you’re willing to stay with this person if nothing changes. 

 

Thanks for reading and I hope you found this helpful. If you’d like more help and resources you can find them at www.LoveCoachHeidi.Com 

 

Love,

Coach Heidi

How do you break up?

That’s actually very different than “should you break up?’  and I have a lot of videos on “Should you break up” and you can find them here.

 

But, if you’ve gotten to this point, I’m assuming you’re looking for it like a step-by-step process of how to actually pull the trigger and get this done. And I’ve got you covered with 4 steps today.

 

Many years ago,I used to be a corporate executive and I was working within this company and every year we went to Las Vegas for a conference.

 

I was director of training and development and one year I gave a speech on When and how to fire people.”  I was NOT excited to give this talk but actually it turned out to be pretty interesting because I learned a lot in the process.

 

When we think of firing people we imagine it’s going to be painful so we want to avoid it. We wait until it gets SO BAD that we have no other choice. And even then, it’s hard because we imagine the emotions of the person on the other end and how that will affect us. 

 

It turns out firing people is easy.  That’s not the problem. The issue  is how do I deal with the feelings that one’s trying to mitigate or avoid by firing.

 

Breaking up is the same.

 

And you want to know the truth you can’t avoid pain because breaking up sucks. 

 

It’s  painful and that’s why you’re in the position you’re in because you’ve been avoiding breaking up because you’re afraid of the feelings that you’re going to feel.  But you’re not avoiding the hurt.  You’re hurting now.

 

Isn’t what you’re going through right now already hard?  What you’re experiencing now is nothing compared to continuing and prolonging the relationship.

 

Breaking up isn’t hard to do. Breaking up is easy. Staying in the relationship is hard.

 

So, let’s get into the tips. I’m going to give you the same tips I gave all those years ago in Las Vegas on How to fire people because it’s exactly the same thing.

 

You’re letting someone go from the position of “person” in your life. You’re releasing that you’re releasing him/her form role that you have put them in.

 

• Be black and white.

 

You want to come from a place of absolute Clarity. You don’t want any gray areas. You don’t want anything confusing. 

How does confusion happen?  When people try to break up and they say dumb s*** like  “It’’s not working right now. You know maybe maybe in the future we can revisit things. But right now it’s not working.” 

 

You can’t leave any room for question.  Close all the doors and all the windows so that there’s no room for re-entry.

 

Say, “It’s over. This is not what I want. You are not who I want. I am breaking up with you and I am moving on.”

I know. I can hear you now, “Oh my God Heidi, that is super harsh!”

 

What? Do you want to say it nicely? Do you  want to find a way to say it so it feels good?

Do you want to make sure they don’t get upset with you? Are you trying to mitigate the fallout of emotion? Making sure they Don’t feel a certain way about you?

 

1. Embrace the suck.

You cannot make breaking up feel good. It’s  going to be bad for them. And quite possibly for you. It’s a break up because it’s broken and it cannot be repaired. 

 

You can stay it at nice as you want to and it won’t matter.

 

it’s like when the doctor comes in at the hospital and tells you that you have cancer. He comes in and gruffly blurts it out staring at his little clipboard, “Welp, you have the Cancer.” 

 

Or he gently kneels beside you, takes your hand  and barely whispers, “I’m so sorry. I hate to tell you this and  I don’t know how to tell you this. But I’m afraid you have cancer, Dear.”

 

Do you think you’re going to be less devastated by the tone of someone’s voice? Nope. Not one bit. Once the news settles in, it sinks the same way.

 

So when you’re breaking up you put all this energy and trying  to say it the right way to mitigate emotions or get them to like you at the end of it, you’re totally missing the mark.

 

You’re breaking up with them. What do you care if they till  like you or not? You’re moving on. 

 

• Don’t over- explain.

 

 

When you get to that point where you have no gray areas and you are prepared to embrace the suck, you can move into action. 

Don’t get into the justification or rationalizations.  This is where people get into trouble. 

This is especially true if you’re dealing with a manipulative or toxic person who coil gaslight you into believing there is no problem. If you’re with a dysfunctional person, you could break up with someone like that 25 times. 

 

When you get into the laundry list, explaining things, you are asking the other person to defend themselves. Whether you know it or not you’re asking them to participate in a back and forth exchange.

 

Don’t give them ALL of the reasons your breaking up. These will be things they can and will argue with you.

 

I want you to instead make it your choice. Take full ownership. “This relationship is not working for me and I am ending it.”

 

And please don’t do the ol,, “It’s not you it’s me routine”. It;s the song and dance that the  other person is magical and wonderful and will find someone great!”

 

How lame. Honestly, if they were that great why are you breaking up with them?

 

No one breaks up with anyone because they are wonderful. Tell the truth.

YOU are not right for me.

 

If you tell them they are wonderful and it’s just you who has a problem committing to them, do you know what they will think? They will think that as soon as you get your s*&%  together, you will come back to get  them. 

 

Don’t torture people that way. It’s YOU and it’s them and you are not working together. 

 

Otherwise, you’re making them think there’s a chance  to change your mind because they’re so awesome.

 

Say, “You’re not right for me.”

 

• Let it be broken.

 

 

Don’t expect the person you’re breaking up with to make you feel better about breaking up with them.

 

 Like I said, breaking up sucks and it’s hard. Do not try and make yourself feel better by getting them to agree this is a good thing.

 

Don’t try and wrap the turd in sugar. Do not try and put lipstick on the pig. Don’t try and get their  buy in what;s happening by convincing them this was a good idea.

 

And let it go. Move on. 

 

Did you see the movie Pet Sematary? Don’t try and resurrect it from the dead. Let it die.

 

As that movie showed us, it comes back worse the second time around.

 

As always, if you need help breaking up or getting off of the fence, you can find me over at www.Lovecoachheidi.Com.

 

Love,

Coach Heidi

Here’s the truth, you can have all the “other stuff”. You can have  the money or the house or the things but if you have a relationship that’s causing you anxiety, confusion, resentment or pain it’s all-consuming. you can’t think of anything , so you’ll  ask yourself. “What’s the point?” 

 

Emotional unavailability is a common problem. 

 

I hear about all the time and usually sounds like a woman complaining about a man, “Why can’t he just tell me how he feels?”

 

Before I really get into this, I want to say that this is  not a slam on guys. 

 

I work with a lot of men and I think men are phenomenal.  I think we have to pitted the sexes against each other and I want to take a stand against that. 

 

Because what I know for sure after 20 years of doing this type of work is we are more alike than we are different. 

 

It’s not Mars and Venus. It’s  Earth. We’re all from the same damn place and we’re all wrestling with the same darn problems, including emotional unavailability.

 

This isn’t a gender issue this it’s  an upbringing issue.

 

As far as I’m concerned we’re all born with a certain level of sensitivity. Those types of things are fixed. But what’s not fixed is how much we are encouraged to talk about our feelings or share and process them in  the environments we grew up in.

 

 it was either fostered or it was poo pooed.

 

“Big Girls Don’t Cry”. “Suck it up buttercup.” 

 

And this was happening especially if you were a guy.

 

Men were not encouraged to share their feelings.

 

In fact, the only ways they were enccouraged to  express themselves was through anger (fighting) and sex.

 

Those were the two places that it was okay for a guy to be wild to let loose or fully express himself and it’s kind of a crying shame because I believe under the right circumstances most men can be emotionally available.  

 

When a woman gets in a relationship with a man and then asks him how he feels, he can get to the place of figuring it out.

I once heard a talk about the difference between the male and female brain. The assertion was that women’s brains are like a computer. Already ready with information at her fingertips because it’s all interconnected.

 

But a man’s brain has boxes. He has lots of boxes:a family box , a recreation box, a work box, a feelings box.

 

And  when you ask him a question he’s in one box. He needs to take time to get out of that one box and get into the other box.

 

And from a woman’s perspective if he  can’t answer her right away, he’s either making it up or he  doesn’t know how he feels.

 

I think that we could do a lot better if we can give men  the benefit of the doubt.

 

What is emotionally unavailability is not necessarily their nature?

If it is their nature, then we may be talking about a dysfuctinal or toxic pereson

 

What if he probably grew up encouraged or discouraged to share and  articulate his feelings?

 

WHat if we gave him the space and the opportunity to be able to express himself? 

 

What if we asked a question, had patience and waited for the answer to develop within him?

 

The truth is that men do have a lot to say.  

 

Another unfortunate piece to this is that when men do start to share their feelings, sometimes they get shamed by the very woman that’s asking for them. 

 

When he is in love, he starts to open  and share more and sometimes his insecurities will come out and then she’s turned off.

 

 “My God you feel too much! She says. “Be confident!.” “What happened to the strong silent type?”

 

So he can’t really win. 

 

He does want to express himself; he just needs a minute to get there and then to be respected for sharing. 

 

I’ve been guilty of this in  my own relationship when my husband shares how he feels, and it’s something that I wish he didn’t feel. I don’t want him to feel the way he does, so I try and talk him out of his feelings. 

 

I might say, “You shouldn’t feel that way.” 

I just dissuaded him from sharing in the future because he’s come out with it and then I made him wrong.

 

You  don’t have to make somebody else’s feelings about you.

 

You don’t have to personalize or internalize their feelings; you can allow people to have their perspective.

 

You can take it in but don’t take it on and don’t wear it around.

 

Say, “I hear that you feel that way”.  “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

 

That’s how you keep encouraging the dialogue.

 

JUst a caveat. When we work together, there are three levels of enlightenment: beginner apprentice and Mastery.

 

Beginner is entry level information. apprentices go a little bit deeper and MASTERS GET  to Jedi skills. When we are beginning,  we’re talking about each other (he does, she does).

 

When we get to Apprentice we’re talking about each of us together-collectively.

 

In Mastery, we’re talking about ourselves. Because Knowing yourself is the only truth.

 

Nine times out of ten, when we’re in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person, it is we who are  withholding.

 

In most cases, we  are just attracting a reflection of our emotional unavailability and projecting it on another. 

 

But until we get to Mastery, try these 3 tips.

 

1.  When you’re with your partner, ask a question about how he feels about something. It can be anything.
2. Say nothing just sit quietly.
3. Encourage him with those verbal cues to keep going. See how long he can go. Be surprised thinking “Oh my God there’s so much more in there than I thought there was!”

 

I’ love to hear how this works out for you! So, please leave  your comments and as always you can request a video!  I’m happy to make a video for you! It’s my hearts desire to serve you make sure that you are getting what you need.

 

 Love,

Coach Heidi 

 

Simply put, gaslighting is when someone manipulates you into questioning what you believe, think, or know.

The problem is- it’s sneaky. It can be hard to tell when it’s happening. Even the smartest people fall prey to the manipulation.

Let’s talk about some of the ways one may gaslight you.  What are the red flags?

1. They use blame. For example, if they are called out on their behavior for saying something extremely hurtful, they may say something like, “Well, I only behaved that way because you put me in that situation. I would have never sad that of you hadn’t backed me into a corner.”

In this situation, you start to wonder if that’s true. Did they only behave that way because you provoked them? The short answer is NO.  People are provoked all day long and don’t become verbally abusive. This is likely a dysfunctional or toxic person.

2. They use denial. This happens a lot with the people I work with who are dealing with addiction in their family. Maybe you find a beer can in the trash. They may say something like, “There was no beer can.” Now, this sounds ridiculous because you might even be holding the can in your hand and they still blatantly lie. Or they may say, “Well, that’s not mine! That must be yours.”

You know darn well, it’s their beer can. But you start to wonder who else may have put it there because they can be so convincing.

 

3. They use guilt and projection. Let’s say you catch them in some form of cheating. They may say, “Wow! I can’t believe you think that about me! I was only that woman’s house because she is an old friend who needed some work done. Her husband was there too. I can’t believe you’re accusing me of something like this. We talked about you the whole time! Are you sure you’re not the one who’s cheating? You wouldn’t be thinking thoughts like this about me unless you were doing it yourself. If you keep telling me I’m cheating, you’re going to make me cheat. I might as well do the crime if I’m already doing the time.”

Suddenly, you find yourself sucked into the craziness and start to defend yourself. You have been completely derailed.

Or if it’s an addict or alcoholic and you confront them for relapsing, they may say something like. “If you keep accusing me of using, you’re going to make me use. If I do relapse, it will be your fault.”

Now, of course that’s just not true. If you want to know more about this, head over to and explore our most commonly asked questions.

4. They use flattery. They are acting totally out of line, and everyone else is pointing out their bad behavior, they will say, “Thank God you see me clearly. Other people don’t get me. Only you understand the real me. They only see the bad. Thank God you see the good in me. I’d be nowhere without you. You’re the only one who believes in the good in me. You’re the only one who loves me.”
5. They’ll enroll others to convince you you’re crazy. They will use triangulation, going to those you love and attempting to pit you against each other. They may make things up about you.

What’s the next step if you see yourself here? It’s to reach out and get some clarity and have a discussion with a qualified therapist or coach. I am happy to help you if you’re ready to start getting some wise, sound council.

You may need someone who has an objective viewpoint.

I now you love this person. Part of you wants to believe the lies. You want the relationship to work. You may be avoiding breaking up or confrontation. But you’re not avoiding pain by continuing to lose your ability to see clearly.

I want to encourage to take the next steps and reach out to explore codependency coaching.

If you’ve finally gotten to the place of setting a boundary, I first want to take a minute and congratulate you! It’s no easy feat! Setting a boundary with someone you truly care about is hard.

But now that you’ve set the boundary, it’s being met with resistance or push back and that’s making you feel pretty bad.

So, what do you do about that?

I had a video request about this very topic from a wife of an alcoholic.

Likely, if you get to the place of setting boundaries, you too are dealing with an unhealthy person.

This could be a toxic, dysfunctional or narcissistic person.

Addiction looks a lot like narcissism in that it displays the same level of denial of the impact to others and lacks insight and empathy into the feelings of those effects.

In this particular scenario, the wife had set the boundary with her husband that she was unwilling to sleep in the same bed with him if he was drinking.

Awhile later, after holding the boundary, he complained that he didn’t feel like they had a relationship because she wasn’t sleeping in the same bed as him.

Now, here’s the thing, narcissists and addicts are delusional in many respects. They live in denial.

So as he sees it, she’s creating the problem in the marriage, totally missing the fact that she’s set a boundary about his drinking.

Addicts, alcoholics, narcissists and toxic people use blame, shame, guilt and denial when confronted with their own behavior.

So, it’s natural that he behaves in this way, blaming her and totally missing the point.

But his wife, if she gets sucked into the lie, will believe that she is causing the problem, losing sight of the real issue too.

Her job is to stay awake when he’s asleep to the truth.

The best thing to do in moments when someone is using blame or guilt is to calmly restate the boundary, reminding him or her why you set the boundary in the first place.

Please watch the video for more.

If you want help in setting boundaries, you can schedule an appointment here.

If you want to request a video topic, you can do that here.

Thanks for watching the video and as always, I love to read your comments so please leave your thoughts.

Love,

Coach Heidi.