I used to wake up in the morning with a hangover. My head would pound as I tried to recall the night before. I’d roll over to see if anyone was beside me. And if someone was, I’d check to see if I was still wearing my underwear.

If I was alone, I’d go through my phone and try to piece the night together.

Basically, I’d wake up with shame for things I couldn’t even remember.

Eventually, I’d get into the shower and start the masking process.

I’d paint my face, put on my heels and march into the corporate office where I made millions of dollars for other people.

I dedicated my life to helping other people realize their dreams while I lived in a nightmare.

First, you should know this post isn’t about alcohol. Wine wasn’t my problem. It was my solution to being awake for a life I couldn’t stand.

Having said that, I’ve also been alcohol free for 10 years. But I didn’t do it through a traditional program. I did it though finding and speaking my truth and then pursuing Authentic Happiness.

I don’t know if you’re struggling with alcohol, but if you’re unhappy in your life, you’re likely self-medicating somehow.

• Shopping too much
• Spending money you don’t have
• Zoning out on social media
• Sleeping too much
• Eating too much
• Starving yourself
• Engaging in toxic relationships

Here’s the crazy thing, all these “coping behaviors” are a lame attempt at happiness.

They become the filter you put on your life to make it bearable.

Then, the behaviors become the focus. They give you a “reason” for being so miserable. And you wrongly believe that if you just fix these things, your life will be perfect.

Still, underneath that issue is why you engaged in the self-destructive behavior to begin with. Focusing on your “coping behavior” gives you a false sense of control.

That’s why many people quit drinking and they’re still just as miserable.

When I decided to pursue my happiness, my drinking took care of itself.

So, how did I get happy?

What are the First 3 Steps to Creating a Genuinely Happy Life?

Step one in creating authentic happiness is to get a proper diagnosis.

 

When people ask me what I do, I often refer to myself as a Psychological Surgeon.

When I think about a surgeon (I have many in my coaching practice), I think about precision, accuracy, and results.

And I know that if I sat with a surgeon, before he cut me open there would be a lengthy diagnostic process to be sure the actual issue was found.

That’s how I work with my clients. Of course, the goal isn’t to cut you open, it’s to identify and remove your metaphorical “cancer” to liberate you from the pain it causes.

I was in pain too and I was my first patient.

When I was at my lowest point, deciding I couldn’t keep living a double life, pretending to be happy, I had to look deep within to see what was truly robbing me of my joy.

It was then, that I asked myself 2 questions.

1. What do I really want?
2. What am I NO LONGER willing to settle for?

For me, I had what looked like success. I had the money, and the bags, and the home. But I was lonely, anxious and depressed.

When I examined my anxiety, I saw the it was from a belief that I’d be alone forever.

The truth was, I was in ride or die dysfunctional relationships with emotionally unavailable men, trying to convince them to choose me.

And underneath of that was my subconscious driver to need to prove my value.

I felt worthless. So, my life reflected others who couldn’t see my value.

Now, here’s an important distinction. From the outside, I projected an image of confidence. No one would have suspected that underneath I felt unlovable. I had a false sense of self-esteem that came with money and titles.

But when I lost my big money consulting gigs, my worth went with them.

Where are you unhappy? EXACTLY? What is causing you the desire to self-medicate in the first place? What do you really want?

Of course, I recommend you sit with someone highly qualified to help you flesh this out. Most of the time we know we’re not happy, but we don’t know why or what we want.

I also have a gift of discernment. It works like a superpower to be able to see the whole picture of your life and put all the missing pieces of the happiness puzzle together.

My clients say I connect dots for them they have never seen before. In fact, they often refer to me as a Wizard.

I have to say, I love getting that feedback. It feels good to be living a life of purpose, using my gifts and talents to serve others. No more working like a dog to make other people’s dreams come true.

I want the same for you.

The second step is to get to work on fixing what you discovered as the real issue.

Your life is not going to magically get better, even when you work with a Wizardess like me.

There will be decisions you have to make and steps you need to take to make your dreams a reality.

Most people only think about changing their lives and that’s where they stay.

They fantasize, create the vision board and then get pissed off that the Law of Attraction lied.

Here’s the truth, nothing works in your life unless you get to work on your life.

It’s not all work after awhile though. For example, I talk with my clients about learning how to receive (a big problem for most of them.)

Ironically, learning how to receive requires effort at first. It requires learning where you are unwilling to give up control and then consciously “efforting” to release control. (Life is a paradox after all).

Once you’ve had a proper diagnosis, got to work in fixing what needs fixed, you go to step three which is maintain the changes you’ve made and evolve to the next level of happiness.

I can’t tell you how many coaches come to me for coaching and say, “I’ve already healed this or dealt with this” Yet, here it is cropping back up.

The reality is, we are evolving through our issues and they are transformed into higher quality problems.

No one is problem free. You are meant to evolve, to ask for more while simultaneously appreciating the “enoughness” you have.

We are supposed to grow. And you cannot grow without some level of outgrowing.

You must continue to ask yourself what you have outgrown and then give yourself permission to seek higher levels of fulfillment. For some of you, that’s where you are now.

But for now, let’s go back to the beginning.

• What needs to change RIGHT NOW?
• What action must you take to change it?
• Where can you ask for more while being grateful for what you have?

 

As always, I’d love to be your guide on your journey to fulfillment and happiness.

Let me come along side of you so I can expertly guide you back home to your most joyful, abundant and authentic self. Send me a message to discuss how to get started.

Know Yourself, Be Yourself, Love Yourself,

Heidi

How to Maintain NO CONTACT with a toxic or dysfunctional person though the Holidays.

So, you’re going no contact with someone you care about in your life and you came about it one of 3 ways.

1. You decided to walk away. Maybe you’re in a relationship with a toxic or dysfunctional person and you concluded you cannot continue to subject yourself to the insanity. It could be that you have an addicted child and although you’re in pain, you need to protect yourself and your family from the continued abuse drug addiction brings with it.
2. Someone you love x-communicated you. Their brand of insanity is to abandon or reject you periodically or permanently and it’s happening now.
3. You’re on a break. You may or may not be getting back together with this person but for now, space is what’s needed.

The scenario is less important than the outcome. And the result is you’re sad, anxious, hurt, angry and lonely.

I get it. I spent many Holidays navigating my alcoholic father, wondering when he’d catch fire trying to light the kerosene heater, with a Marlboro hanging out of his mouth after 14 Miller Lights. Thinking we should just uninvite him to Thanksgiving this year.

And then there’s another toxic person in my life who plays a mean game of “I love you, go away, come here, I hate you.”  And I lost my hand again this year.

I use the tips I’m about to give you and so do the hundreds of clients I’ve coached and counseled over the years.

Incidentally, I’m not so delusional to think that 5 tips are going to be enough to help you successfully navigate this. I realize it’s harder than that. That’s why I’m going to get you started here but also encourage you to send me a message so you can get the support you need.

With that said, let’s dig in.

I like acronyms. Today’s word is GIFTS.

It’s a way to remember that even the most difficult experiences in life are gifts on our path, here to help us get a little further down the trail of enlightenment, understanding compassion and self- love.

1. G is for Get Grateful.

I hear you saying, “Say what? How am I supposed to be grateful in this terrible situation? I don’t have my (son, daughter, mother, best friend, husband, girlfriend).

I know it’s hard to find anything to be grateful for in this moment. You wouldn’t choose this for yourself if you had a say.

But you don’t and it is what it is. So, in this case, have gratitude for the respite.

The behavior you’re trying to manage is unmanageable.

When you’re in war with a toxic or dysfunctional person, you’re in a war without weapons. It’s a war you can’t win.

Wave the white flag of surrender and let God’s grace carry you off the battlefield.

This break will provide you with the clear perspective you need. Be grateful for the time and space to let the fog clear.

2. I is for Invest in the relationships in front of you.

It’s tempting to put all the focus on the person who’s gone. It’s like you’re coloring a beautiful scene of a rainbow in a park and you have every color in the crayon box except black and suddenly you’re compelled to color a hole in the ground.

When you put your focus on the hole, you miss the rainbow.

The people in your life, who have demonstrated their commitment, love, and energy to you and the one’s who deserve your time and attention. These people provide the light in the dark.

How unfortunate that you should decide you can’t have your dysfunctional loved one at the table yet, you refuse to serve your guests a meal. Instead, you sit around and discuss the empty chair.

If they’re gone, let them be gone. It is what it is. For now.

3. F is for Focus on the present.

All we have is the present moment. Nothing is permanent and everything changes. We are wired like the seasons and are meant to follow the same rhythms.

Going no contact is a WINTER.

Now, some people love winter. They like the peaceful quietness and the stillness. They don’t mind that everything dies, because they see it as a white, clean slate being laid down. For them, it’s a time of reflection and contemplation.

For others, it’s torture and something to be endured. They see it as barren, empty, solemn, and lonely.

Everything is frozen and stalled.

NO CONTACT is winter.

Winter is a time of reflection, contemplation, hindsight and vision.

It gets quiet so you can go within.

You cannot rush the winter, you cannot will the winter away, you can simply allow it to be and use it for what it can give you: perspective and clarity.

Don’t worry about what’s coming next.

I don’t know if you’re going to end up working out your issues with your loved one. But I do know that worry and regret will not serve you now.

Likely, you’ve just survived an awful set of experiences that propelled you to this place of taking a break. When you replay those events over and over in your mind, your brain can’t tell the difference between past, present, and future. So, you’re retraumatizing yourself by replaying the incident(s).

It’s best to be here now.

And in THIS moment, you have everything you need.

Take a deep breath and be here now.

Worry will NOT fix this situation. It will only rob you of peace.

4. T is for Trade self-righteousness for reality.

You know what I love?

Christmas movies. Walking around a decorated mall, going in the Yankee Candle store and smelling all the Douglas Fir and Christmas cookie candles.

I love decorating my home. Each year, I put up a little village of people complete with lit up houses, and little tiny trees, and fake snow.

Then, I imagine living in one of those villages with people who all love on one another, sing carols to each other, and ice skate on the pond.

Basically, I want life to be like that tiny village.

But that’s not what I have.

What I have are relationships that cause me pain, and suffering, and make me feel rejected or abandoned, if I let them.

I experience pain only if I feel the injustice of my current position. Then, I live in the self-righteousness of life.

Self-Righteousness screams:

“This isn’t fair!”

“I should have what everyone else seems to have.”

“This shouldn’t be happening to me.”

“I deserve to have a functioning family!”

Let’s get real, none of us want to admit we play the victim role. But self-righteous is the victim.

So, let’s trade self-righteousness for reality.

I believe in this concept so much that I’ve made it one of my guiding principles in all my programs and retreats.

When you root in reality, you sever your relationship with how things are supposed be and deal in how they are.

And that’s where your power lays.

If you’re able to see things clearly, you can deal with anything. When you live in how you want it to be, you live in the fantasy of denial. And you stay stuck.

Self- righteousness makes other people’s behavior about you. It says, “Why does this person treat ME this way?”

Reality says a dog barks because it is a dog. And the sun shines because it is the sun.

And your mom treats you this way because she is herself.

Hear me. She is HERSELF before she is Mother (if she ever is mother).

Big distinction there.

When you see people for who they are instead of who you want them to be for you, YOU ARE FREE.

5. S is for Support.

I know you and you can handle a lot! You’re the one people come to when it hits the fan because you know HOW to deal in shit.

What if life wasn’t an exercise in tolerating misery?

What if the question wasn’t “how can I put up with this and survive it?”

What if you asked, “How can I have MORE joy, more love, and more peace no matter what others do?”

I know that may be crazy to consider. How can you possibly be happy in the face of all the stuff you’re dealing with?

How can you be happy when your son or daughter is self-destructing?

How can you be happy when your mom rejects you?

How can you be happy when you just broke up with the person you loved the most in the world?

YOU CAN.

And beyond that, you deserve to be happy no matter what.

But you don’t know HOW to do that. Yet.

But I can teach you.

That’s why I’m here.

I know how because I live in this place of total peace, love, and joy. Even though I have toxic and dysfunctional people in my life.

And now, I help other people just like you learn how to do the same.

If you’re ready to go to the next level and create the relationships you deserve, go to www.LoveCoachHeidi.com and request a consultation.

Or, if you are in a relationship with an addict or alcoholic, check out our revolutionary course to learn how to cope and deal right now. You can find that here…. https://revolutionarygrowth.mykajabi.com/revolutionary-growth-family-program

And as always, if you found this helpful, please share with someone you know is struggling this Holiday Season. Be the light in their dark place.

With love,

Know yourself, Be yourself, Love yourself.

Heidi

 

 

 

PSYCHO-logical  torture..

 

I call it the shredder with my clients.

It can about be a decision about leaving a job, taking back an ex, or even sending an email. The process is the same.

1. Think about new decision.
2. Begin mental torture by scrutinizing and agonizing over every detail. Consider 50 possible outcomes
3. Make decision
4. Immediately second guess decision
5. Begin mental masturbation round 2, intensified.
6. Become overwhelmed.
7. Fuck it and do nothing
8. Judge Procrastination. Feel like shit about self.
9. Cope by eating, sleeping, buying on Amazon, or focus on other’s problems.
10. Feel Guilty. Beat the crap out of yourself for that. Decide you are a loser.
11. Start back at step 1

What in the actual F?

Sound familiar?

I never wanted to feel like I was making a mistake. I wanted to be SURE that what I was doing was the absolute right thing!

So, in order to do that, I relied on my state of the art, finely tuned “PSYCHO-logical shredder”. It lived in my mind and reigned as the CPO: Chief Protective Officer.

It stood guard against any possible unfavorable outcome. And it had 2 jobs.

1. Make sure I didn’t make a mistake
2. Make sure I didn’t look like an idiot

It also had a 3^rd function.

Many times, the “shredder” was wrong, and I ended up looking dumb, getting dicked or duped, or devastated, and then the 3^rd function kicked into … Shouda Shred Mode.

Shoulda Shredder Mode’s superpower is Hindsight. And its responsibility is to produce shame and judgement, so I don’t do that again.

I had a love hate relationship with my shredder.

Early on in life, it helped me make sense of a lot of things that didn’t add up. I needed to learn to predict outcomes and it helped me create a sense of control.

If I could thoroughly understand something and analyze all possible outcomes, I could stay safe.

And it worked for a while.

But as I “grew up” I found the shredder created anxiety and angst.

I’d lay awake at night, replaying the same conversations repeatedly.

I’d agonize over decisions big and small. I was terrified of making the wrong choice.

And as a result, I stayed in relationships way to long. And I end up procrastinating on my big visions and goals for me life.

Until one day, I wondered if there was a more accurate way to KNOW sans torture.

Turns out, there is. There’s a way to know FOR SURE, without the anxiety. And it’s effortless.

We don’t have to DO anything. But we do have to BE.

You would thing BEING is easy, right? I mean how hard can it be to BE?

Very f-ing hard. Especially if you live in your head instead of where you BE.

We BE in that still part of us. It’s a quiet place in the center of your Self that always KNOWS. It’s your internal guidance system, your higher Self.

Now I know what you’re probably thinking. “Yea, okay Heidi, sure! Follow your intuition. No shit. Thanks for the groundbreaking revelation!”

But let’s BE here for a moment. Do you know how hard that is for a person like you?

Likely, you’ve been ignoring your gut for YEARS!

• Those red flags.
• That feeling in the pit of your stomach every time you must go into that office.
• That feeling you get about that person that just doesn’t sit well with you.
• That inkling you must take that class.
• That idea you keep thinking about in the shower.
• That person who keeps calling you, yet you ignore.
• That thing you know you need to get checked out.
• That nagging dissatisfaction with that situation you’re in.

Look, it’s not your fault.

Likely, you were taught a long time ago to ignore your intuition. Especially if you grew up with a toxic or dysfunctional person or are in a relationship with one now.

These types of people make you question your gut! You wonder who the crazy one is, you or them?

Toxic relationships can also make you suppress your intuition. You go along with it because that seems safer than rocking the boat or making change.

Here’s the thing. If you’re still in one of these relationships, you will not be able to see clearly until you have perspective. And I can help you get that clarity.

Also, it takes practice and guidance to relearn how to tap into your intuition.

I’d loved to help you with that! Helping people learn and speak their truth is what I do.

But in the meantime, let me give you some tips.

We need to BE receptive to tap into our intuition.

Everyone’s different, so getting into a state of receptivity is going to be unique to you.

Some people need to sit quietly without any distractions and be still

For me, immediate stillness activates the shredder. And honestly, I don’t have the desire to train myself to meditate.

So to get out of my head and into by intuition, I dance. I do a free form dance, listening to loud music and I move my body how it wants to move. I allow the space and freedom to explore how my body feels and what it needs.

I find that moving my body is the key to putting my awareness there. And that’s where my intuition lives. DEEP inside, past the mind, past the body into the center of BEING.

Some call this spirit. Some tap into their intuition by praying.

I find that after I dance, and I lay down on the ground, I am in total receptive mode and I have full access to my intuition.

Many times, after dance, people experience receiving a “download” from the Universe.

I call that an “UPLOAD” because I believe it’s already inside of you.

There are many masters who talk about getting to a place of stillness to KNOW.

Jesus said, “Be still and know that I am God.”

In the Tao Te Ching Lao Tzu asks us “Do you have the patience to wait. Till your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving. Till the right action arises by itself?”

Getting out of your head and back into your heart takes willingness and patience. But the answers we seek live there.

We are all born with an innate ability to know what’s right for us. But when you spend your life asking yourself what’s best for everyone else, you forget what you KNOW.

I’d love to come along side of you and walk you back home to your Truth. And then I’d love to help you live by it.

 

PSYCHO-logical  torture..

 

I call it the shredder with my clients.

It can about be a decision about leaving a job, taking back an ex, or even sending an email. The process is the same.

1. Think about new decision.
2. Begin mental torture by scrutinizing and agonizing over every detail. Consider 50 possible outcomes
3. Make decision
4. Immediately second guess decision
5. Begin mental masturbation round 2, intensified.
6. Become overwhelmed.
7. Fuck it and do nothing
8. Judge Procrastination. Feel like shit about self.
9. Cope by eating, sleeping, buying on Amazon, or focus on other’s problems.
10. Feel Guilty. Beat the crap out of yourself for that. Decide you are a loser.
11. Start back at step 1

What in the actual F?

Sound familiar?

I never wanted to feel like I was making a mistake. I wanted to be SURE that what I was doing was the absolute right thing!

So, in order to do that, I relied on my state of the art, finely tuned “PSYCHO-logical shredder”. It lived in my mind and reigned as the CPO: Chief Protective Officer.

It stood guard against any possible unfavorable outcome. And it had 2 jobs.

1. Make sure I didn’t make a mistake
2. Make sure I didn’t look like an idiot

It also had a 3^rd function.

Many times, the “shredder” was wrong, and I ended up looking dumb, getting dicked or duped, or devastated, and then the 3^rd function kicked into … Shouda Shred Mode.

Shoulda Shredder Mode’s superpower is Hindsight. And its responsibility is to produce shame and judgement, so I don’t do that again.

I had a love hate relationship with my shredder.

Early on in life, it helped me make sense of a lot of things that didn’t add up. I needed to learn to predict outcomes and it helped me create a sense of control.

If I could thoroughly understand something and analyze all possible outcomes, I could stay safe.

And it worked for a while.

But as I “grew up” I found the shredder created anxiety and angst.

I’d lay awake at night, replaying the same conversations repeatedly.

I’d agonize over decisions big and small. I was terrified of making the wrong choice.

And as a result, I stayed in relationships way to long. And I end up procrastinating on my big visions and goals for me life.

Until one day, I wondered if there was a more accurate way to KNOW sans torture.

Turns out, there is. There’s a way to know FOR SURE, without the anxiety. And it’s effortless.

We don’t have to DO anything. But we do have to BE.

You would thing BEING is easy, right? I mean how hard can it be to BE?

Very f-ing hard. Especially if you live in your head instead of where you BE.

We BE in that still part of us. It’s a quiet place in the center of your Self that always KNOWS. It’s your internal guidance system, your higher Self.

Now I know what you’re probably thinking. “Yea, okay Heidi, sure! Follow your intuition. No shit. Thanks for the groundbreaking revelation!”

But let’s BE here for a moment. Do you know how hard that is for a person like you?

Likely, you’ve been ignoring your gut for YEARS!

• Those red flags.
• That feeling in the pit of your stomach every time you must go into that office.
• That feeling you get about that person that just doesn’t sit well with you.
• That inkling you must take that class.
• That idea you keep thinking about in the shower.
• That person who keeps calling you, yet you ignore.
• That thing you know you need to get checked out.
• That nagging dissatisfaction with that situation you’re in.

Look, it’s not your fault.

Likely, you were taught a long time ago to ignore your intuition. Especially if you grew up with a toxic or dysfunctional person or are in a relationship with one now.

These types of people make you question your gut! You wonder who the crazy one is, you or them?

Toxic relationships can also make you suppress your intuition. You go along with it because that seems safer than rocking the boat or making change.

Here’s the thing. If you’re still in one of these relationships, you will not be able to see clearly until you have perspective. And I can help you get that clarity.

Also, it takes practice and guidance to relearn how to tap into your intuition.

I’d loved to help you with that! Helping people learn and speak their truth is what I do.

But in the meantime, let me give you some tips.

We need to BE receptive to tap into our intuition.

Everyone’s different, so getting into a state of receptivity is going to be unique to you.

Some people need to sit quietly without any distractions and be still

For me, immediate stillness activates the shredder. And honestly, I don’t have the desire to train myself to meditate.

So to get out of my head and into by intuition, I dance. I do a free form dance, listening to loud music and I move my body how it wants to move. I allow the space and freedom to explore how my body feels and what it needs.

I find that moving my body is the key to putting my awareness there. And that’s where my intuition lives. DEEP inside, past the mind, past the body into the center of BEING.

Some call this spirit. Some tap into their intuition by praying.

I find that after I dance, and I lay down on the ground, I am in total receptive mode and I have full access to my intuition.

Many times, after dance, people experience receiving a “download” from the Universe.

I call that an “UPLOAD” because I believe it’s already inside of you.

There are many masters who talk about getting to a place of stillness to KNOW.

Jesus said, “Be still and know that I am God.”

In the Tao Te Ching Lao Tzu asks us “Do you have the patience to wait. Till your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving. Till the right action arises by itself?”

Getting out of your head and back into your heart takes willingness and patience. But the answers we seek live there.

We are all born with an innate ability to know what’s right for us. But when you spend your life asking yourself what’s best for everyone else, you forget what you KNOW.

I’d love to come along side of you and walk you back home to your Truth. And then I’d love to help you live by it.

 

 

 

What to do when you outgrow a toxic or dysfunctional person

Everyone wants to be loved unconditionally. That’s the dream. Being accepted for who you are and who you aren’t. Free from expectations, demands, constrictions and judgement.

 

But that’s not how it works for many of us. Especially if you’re in a relationship with a toxic or dysfunctional person.

 

If you’re in a relationship that causes you anxiety, depression, resentment, or dismay, you’re most likely in a relationship that operates by the “dysfunctional relationship rules”.

 

I grew up in a family like this. And there were a lot of rules.

 

There are many types of dysfunctional relationships: parent/child, husband/wife, sibling, partners, friendships, coworker/employee, and on and on.

 

But one thing remains, most of the rules are the same.

And if you’re born into the “family rules”, you’re much likelier to transfer those rules onto  others or follow them in your subsequent relationships.

 

I don’t have a lock on the rules.

I’m going to share what I’ve learned from being a student of codependency for the last 20 years. Most of these are inspired by Melody Beattie ,Harriet Lerner or literature on ACoA. (Adult Children of Alcoholics).

 

• Don’t have feelings and if you do, don’t talk about them.
• If you notice a problem, don’t point it out and don’t have an opinion it.
• Don’t rock the boat, disturb the “peace”, or make waves. Just go with the flow.
• Don’t get too big for your britches, think too highly of yourself, or toot your own horn. You’re not who you think you are.
• Don’t be selfish or think of yourself. Put everyone else’s needs before your own.
• Don’t let your hair down, relax, or have fun. There’s work to do. Stand guard.
• Don’t trust anyone except your family. Trust them, even though they’re hurting you.
• Stay put. Suck it up. Be strong. Weakness is not allowed. Stay loyal.
• Nothing good ever happens. And if it does, it doesn’t happen to you.
• Question your own judgement and ignore your intuition. You’re wrong. They’re right.

I’m sure you can probably think of your own as well. And if you do, please share them in a comment.

 

For now, let’s talk about what happens when you violate a “rule.”

 

Let’s say that you start to grow. And one day you have an awakening that you deserve more than what you’ve been selling for.

 

For me, it was the recognition that I was unwilling to suppress my emotions. I was going to have reactions, opinions, and feelings around other’s behavior. I spent years suppressing my emotions.

Someone would do something hurtful to me and the old rule of “don’t feel” would kick in and then I’d stuff it down. I’d pretend not to be hurt.

Then, I’d either spend time plotting how to make my feelings known through passive aggressive ways or I’d ultimately end up numbing my feelings somehow though shopping, drinking, eating or isolating.

 

The truth is, you’re not avoiding pain when you follow the rules.

You’re avoiding “their pain”. But you? You’re hurting.

 

Likely what happens once you violate a rule is that there’s an attempt to put you back in line.

 

The person will do a multitude of things to punish you. They’ll shame you, reject you, abandon you, threaten to abandon you, and most likely play the victim.

They’ll gaslight you, attempting to convive you that you have made a terrible error in judgement.

 

For example, let’s say someone does something hurtful to you and you decide you’re going to have a feeling about it or a worse offence, tell the person about your feelings.

And they immediately launch into, “You should not feel that way. It’s not normal that you feel that way. And your feeling are hurting me. If you were a “normal” person, you wouldn’t be reacting this way and you would be fine.”

 

Suddenly, you start to question your own sanity.

 

If the toxic or dysfunctional person has abandoned or rejected you and you launch into the 6 stages of grief, surely you will spend most of your time in that bargaining stage, wondering what you did wrong and how you could have avoided all this.

 

Back to the rules.

The lie is that if you keep playing by the rules, you avoid pain. That is simply not true.

The rules are the source of the pain. Period.

 

When you realize you need to break free, you wake up.

You start to realize that not everyone in the world plays by these rules. And you set about the journey back to sanity.

 

The truth is, it’s a confusing walk.

 

You wonder, “Am I doing this right?”

“Should I just accept the toxic person for who they are?”

“Am I being unreasonable?”

“Will anyone ever love me unconditionally? Maybe this was as good as it gets?”

 

Then, you get lonely, blame yourself for their behavior and end up reaching out.

 

And the cycle starts all over again.

I’m going to give you 4 tips today to help you stay on the path to codependency recovery through self-love.

But let’s be real, you cannot change though awareness alone. Awareness is the first step. But in order to make true and lasting change, you need a system and accountability.

 

That’s why I created my step by step system called LYFE School. It’s a 3 month immersive experience designed to equip and empower you with the tolls you need to love yourself first. It’s a step by step process to end all toxic and dysfunctional relationships. And it will teach you how to create the relationships you truly deserve.

 

In the meantime, let’s dive into the 4 tips that will help you when you’ve outgrown someone. I’m going to use the acronym GROW.

 

1. G for Get Real.

Change begins with awareness. And in this case, that means being unwilling to see your situation the same old way. That includes, minimizing, rationalizing, or justifying someone’s bad behavior. Compassion is your super power. But as I have said in previous writings, there is a such thing as Toxic Compassion. And that’s when you get so good at making sense of other’s bad behavior that you continue to tolerate it.

 

You have to be willing to see things from a new perspective. In LYFE School, one of the processes I walk you through is designed to get absolute clarity on the person they are dealing with.

That means, seeing them for who they really are versus the role you expect them to play in your life.

 

There is such immense freedom in allowing people to be who they are and simply deciding how you’re going to participate with them.

 

I know, easier said than done. Especially when this person is you mother, or father, or child, or partner.

 

But continuing to expect your loved one to love you the way you deserve to be loved is like expecting a man with no legs to walk.

 

When you fully understand who you’re dealing with, you take the blinders off and get real.

You deal in reality versus righteousness.

 

Look, I know you’re a good person! You know how people should behave and how they should treat people. But that’s not what you have. You have a person who behaves the way they behave, not the way YOU think they should behave.

 

Once you Get Real, you start to operate from a position of power because clarity is power.

 

Without it, you’re driving in the dark, without headlights, blindfolded.

 

 

2. R. Release the hostage.

When you feel like a prisoner to the need for other’s approval, it’s time to realize you hold the key to your release.

 

No one will set you free but you. You need to release the hostages.

 

In this case, you’ve realized that the person you’re expecting to love you cannot love you the way you deserve. Let. Them. Go.

 

Stop waiting for them to “get it.”

Stop waiting for them to see your value.  You see your value.

 

If you’ve gone through the process with me, this will be an easy step. You’ll have an understanding unlike anything you’ve ever had.

 

If you’re trying to do this on your own, it will be much harder because you’ll keep expecting the person to change.

 

You want to know something? This might sound crazy coming from a life coach. But people don’t really change- They evolve closer to their true nature.

 

Changing implies that they can be one way and radically shift who they are at their core. Kind of like Scrooge.

 

But Scrooge only “changed” because he remembered who he really was. Not because he became someone he wasn’t.

 

Hear me. People are who they are. They may take a detour from their true nature, engaging in addiction or dysfunction. They may even stay there. But if they get well, they will only return to their true nature.

 

If without addiction they were anxious, depressed, or mean, then without drugs and alcohol, they will be anxious, depressed and mean.

When I was working in treatment as a life coach and counselor, I created and facilitated a family program for loved ones of addicts and alcoholics.

 

Hundreds of people went though that program.

And one after the other, they expected their loved one to radically change once they got sober.

 

But what happened?

They still had problems. They still had all the issues that led to the drinking and drugging in the first place.

 

In other words, the using wasn’t the problem, it was the solution to the pain they were already in.

 

And you want to know the crazy thing?

 

Many times, the pain came from the RULES we talked about earlier.

 

So, even with them, it was about learning NEW RULES. I taught them the 7 I teach in LYFE School.

 

With the new rules, they were able to return closer to who they really are.

 

And so can you! You can become who you are meant to be! But in order to do that, you have to get out of the prison you’re in of delusional and wishful thinking.

 

 

 

             3. Own your shit

You can’t see others clearly without being willing to see yourself the same way. As I have heard said, true enlightenment is being able to see through your own bullshit.

 

So, what’s the real reason you stick around for this bad behavior? Why do you keep going back for more of the same? What prevents you from taking a stand and setting boundaries? Why do you get paralyzed or sucked back in?

 

We can go on and on with hypothesis. But the truth is, you don’t love yourself enough to walk away and stay gone.

 

Your unworthiness is getting in the way.

 

You want their approval and acceptance more than you want peace and authentic happiness.

 

So, you might get this. You see that you need to learn to love yourself.

 

In fact, when I was working as a teacher and life coach in one of the worlds leading drug and alcohol treatment centers I coached thousands of people ho were in toxic relationships.

 

They kept going back, kept getting hurt and then would numb their pain,

 They grew up in extremely dysfunctional households.

 

I would ask day after day, “what’s the one thing you can learn that would change your life forever? That would set you free from all self destructive behavior and free you from all dysfunction?”

And time after time, they all said some version of, “I need to learn to love myself.”

 

You know what the problem is?

We know this, but we don’t know HOW to do this.

 

Most people conflate self-care with self-love. But here’s the truth…there aren’t enough bath bombs in the world to cover up a deep seated feeling of inadequacy.

 

You can’t expect to walk out of a salon feeling worthy, though most marketing would have you believe it.

 

You need a step by step system. At least I know I did! And when I created my signature system that I teach inside of life school, and I applied the 7 self-love steps, I freed myself.

 

I freed myself from the need to be loved by people I know can’t.

 

Does it hurt?

Of course, sometimes it’s extremely painful. But now I have the tools to cope. And it passes.

 

And I’m happier.

 

And after my students started applying the 7 steps, their lives radically changed too!

 

But in order for anything to change, you have to own your own shit.

 

You have to be willing to say, “I see that I have not loved myself enough. I see that I was following the old rules about putting everyone else before me.”

 

You have to be willing to recognize that how you love yourself is a mirror to what you will tolerate from others. Love yourself more, tolerate less bullshit. Period. Be free. Be happy. Attract only those who love you unconditionally.

 

But you have to allow me to come along side of you and teach YOU how to love YOU unconditionally.

 

4. W. Work  . Have you heard the saying, “before enlightenment chop wood, carry water, after enlightenment, chop wood carry water?”

 It’s a good one because it reminds us that insight without action is useless.

 Maybe you’ve read this today or watched the video and thought, “I get it!” and the light bulb went off.

I live for those moments and nothing brings me more joy than to hear my clients tell me they never thought of something the way I was able to out it to them.

But even my ego knows better.

 

Because without working at staying well, we regress.

It’s the natural state of affairs.

 

Think about it this way, you can have the awakening that you need to lose 100 pounds, but unless you eat the salad or climb the stairs, that weight is staying put.

 

And let’s say you do all the things to lose the weight, you have to continue to maintain.

 

That’s recovery.

 

And as it’s been said, you’re wither working on your recovery, or you’re working on your relapse

 

We go back to what we don’t want because we think there’s nothing better for us.

 

How do you fix that?

 

You work on your self-esteem. You go to work on loving yourself first, for a change.

 

You follow my 7 new rules to replace the old ones and you practice them until they become a part of who you are.

You implement the self love system into you life.

 

Sure, you can try and figure this out on your own.

 That’s what I did to create the system in the first place.

 

I was a slave to other’s opinions. I craved love from people I knew secretly hated me. And it was torture.

 

It took me 20 years to figure it out.

 

I don’t want that for you. Take the path of least resistance for once and follow me. I have a shortcut.

 

I hope to see you inside of LYFE School

 

We are breaking the cycle and changing the world! Watch the video below.

 

Love,

Heidi