I’ve been known to be a bit of a control freak. And it usually kicks into high gear when I feel especially powerless.

If I’m not careful, I’ll try and control everything and everyone around me and end up feeling anxious, overwhelmed and angry.

Our ability to weather storms over which we have no control lies in learning the balance between action and acceptance.

We have to know what we have power over and how to let go of the rest.

I know! Easier said than done, right?

You know what the biggest issue is for people like us?

Trust.

We don’t always trust that others know what they’re doing.

We don’t always trust the process and we want to FIX it and FIX IT NOW!

So, this week, I teach about the art of cultivating trust and I share one of the most powerful lessons I’ve ever learned.

Seriously, it’s changed my life and the way I “go through” anything hard.

I know it’s going to help you too.

So, watch the video and leave me a comment.

I’d love to hear from you. 

If you want help, as always, you can book a complimentary consultation right on this site!

I’d love to help support you as you navigate these difficult times.

During hard or stressful times, our relationship issues intensify.

Join me and my husband as we share our 3 Master Keys to healthy relationships.

We discuss communication, sex, and much more.

As always, if you find this helpful, please share or leave a comment.

If you’d like to get more support, you can schedule a free consultation by reaching out. 

Love Your Self so You can Love Each Other,

Heidi

Even if you’re one of the lucky ones that doesn’t have any relationship issues on a “normal day” (see NO ONE), you’re likely to experience some significant issues now.

And for the rest of us that are constantly learning how to have a healthy relationship, we need some solid perspective now more than ever.

Don’t worry, I got you.

Today, I’m going to talk to you about 5 hidden trauma triggers that are likely getting exposed and how to handle them.

And as always, if you recognize yourself in any of these scenarios, and would like to get support, you can schedule a complimentary consultation over at www.LoveCoachHeidi.Com

1. Trust Issues

Maybe you trust your partner or the people in your life of a good day. But if you have unresolved trauma around trust, a situation like this will likely bring it to the surface. You could notice yourself starting to question your partner’s decision making or ability to support you through the crisis.  If this is the case, you may start to notice you scrutinize their behavior or become hyper critical. You may want to relinquish your partners ability to make decisions and become hyper vigilant over details.

2. Control issues.

As a result of trauma, you may start to feel a sense of loss of control. Especially if you believe mandates are coming from ill equipped or unqualified sources. This can be intensified if, when you were a child, you had to take orders from parents that behaved more like the children or who were incompetent in some way of talking care of you.

So, you may start to develop a need to control everything around you. As you feel more out of control you may be inclined to find the certainty you seek in self-destructive behaviors. For example, if you have a history of disordered eating, now would be the time it would start to resurface.

Bad habits are a lame attempt at feeling in control of your anxiety.

3. Abandonment Issues

If you felt like the people you cared for or who were supposed to care for you abandoned you, this can be brought to the light now. You may find yourself being extra “needy” for validation, support and to be taken care of. You may start to feel entitlement to be rescued and put that responsibility on others. If this is the case, you will likely put extra pressure on your partner to “be there for you” as you have difficulty managing and navigating your own emotions. These expectations will be unrealistic and unmet as you cannot be reassured enough when you are being triggered in this way,

4. Victimization/Learned Helplessness

If you have been a true victim in the past and it is left unhealed, you may experience a feeling of being victimized all over again If that is the case, you can fall into a pattern of learned helplessness feeling as though you are merely a passenger on a runaway train.

You may throw your hands up and declare there is nothing you can do and wait for the inevitable (whatever that may be) to overtake you. You may start neglecting yourself and doing the things you CAN do to take care of yourself.

5. Intense Lack/ Extreme Scarcity

If you grew up in a situation where lack and scarcity were par for the course, and you survived, you may think you are past this. However, if dormant trauma is there, it will get triggered in a crisis and you will begin to panic.

Many go into hoarding behavior and turn into “every man for himself mentality.”

When you combine lack trauma with trust issues, you get mayhem.

So, what is the cure for these triggers?

Step 1. Awareness.

Become conscious of them. Awareness is the first step out of anything. We must turn the lights on if we’re to see in the dark.

Step 2. Ground yourself in the present moment. Breathe.

There are many techniques for dealing with trauma triggers that involve getting back into the moment. You can engage any one of your 5 senses. Smell something, feel something focus on the sounds in the room, take off your shoes and feel your feet on the carpet, etc. Open you eyes and find everything green in the room you’re in. Once you get present, you are no longer in the past of the trauma and you can move to step 3.

Step 2. Conscious Curiosity.

Once you become aware you are being triggered, you can put things into perspective.  You can ask yourself some questions such as, “what is really happening right now?”

“Do I have everything I need in this exact moment?”

“What else could this be about?”

“How can I cultivate MORE trust right now?”

“How can I experience an abundance mindset right now?” Hint: hug someone, look at the trees, count the blades of grass.

Step 4. Get help. Reach out to a qualified professional to help you.

I would love to be a support for you as you unravel and untangle your past form your present.

You can learn more over at www.LoveCoachHeidi.com

There’s nothing worse than giving your whole heart, soul, and sex to someone you love, only to be left wondering, “Is he/she cheating on me?”

That question can drive you to do some pretty crazy things.

I know for me, I used to wait until my then boyfriend would leave the house, then I’d start going through his stuff. I wouldn’t just look in pant pockets, I’d go through everything. And then, I’d try and put everything back totally undisturbed (as if he actually knew how he left it).

I was that paranoid that he’d find out I was looking.

Back in those days, I’d go though phone bills and I’d check his computer history.

I actually prided myself on my detective skills.

The crazy thing was, many times, I actually caught him- kind of.

I’d find “something” and confront him and he’d tell me how that was his friend from high school who was having marital problems. He liked her like a cousin.

And because I never caught him “in bed”, I always had reasonable enough doubt that would keep me hooked in my obsession to find proof.

Alright, couple of things here before we get into the meat of today’s Teaching Tuesday.

I’m Heidi, Master Life and Relationship Coach by the way. And I help people who are in difficult, unhealthy or dysfunctional relationships, get the clarity and courage they need to make the right decisions for themselves so they can have the relationships they desire and deserve.

And every Tuesday, I release a new video, so make sure you hit the subscribe button and get notified when new videos come out.

Now back to it.

Here’ the truth.

If you feel like you’re being cheated on one of two things is happening.

1. You are being cheated on
2. You aren’t but you’re paranoid.

And both of these situations mean you have significant trust issues.

It’s likely not your fault. If you’re like many of the people I help in my programs, retreats and coaching, you came from a difficult background that didn’t lend itself to creating trust within you. Especially if you’re needs weren’t met emotionally, mentally or physically.

So, here you are now, in kind of a flight or fight situation and it’s causing you a lot of anxiety, depression and confusion.

Let’s look at how this happens and get you some clarity today.

Watch the video now.

 When’s it MY TURN to be a “real housewife”?

If you resonate with any of these, this week’s video is for you:

• I’m so overwhelmed! When’s it MY turn t be taken care of?
• I’m full of anxiety! Why do I have to do everything myself?
• I’m What’s it going to take to get someone to take over taking care of everything?
• I’m so tired! When do I get a chance to relax?

I hear you and me too. I’ve had the same thoughts.

Let’s take15 minutes to get to the bottom of this so we can heal it for good.

In today’s video, I’m going to give you radical insight into your behavior.

And the first step to loving yourself is KNOWING yourself.

Please leave your comments. What did you notive about yourself?

Love,

Heidi

I was in Zumba class yesterday doing my normal thing, which is to get lost in the music, mouth the words in Spanish that I don’t speak, make random movements with my head and face that resemble a painful episode of toddlers and tiaras.

I caught myself in the mirror and I had a moment where I thought. “Man, I’m really weird.”

I then looked around for confirmation and sure enough, most of the rest of the 77 people in class were minding their polite Zumba business.

Doing the steps…normal facial expressions that matched the intensity of the moves.

This isn’t the first time I’ve looked around the room and heard “one of these kids is doing his own thing…”

Was it Sesame Street or the Electric Company.

It should be said. I’ve never been one to want t do things like anyone else. I do consider myself a bit of a rebel.

Ok sure, you can call it oppositional defiant. But that seems so “on purpose.” My weirdness seems more organic and les contrived.

Maybe you believe you’re different too. Maybe you have even wondered if “normal” was a thing.

IT IS.

There is a time when knowing “normal” is critical to your ability to have a happy life and that’s when it comes to relationships.

This is an area where you can’t afford to wonder.

Why?

Because, it’s one thing to wonder if you’re the only person in the seminar who definitely does not want to give your neighbor a massage, it’s another thing to wonder if the things you’re tolerating in your relationship are just par for the course.

How did you get confused?

Well, if you’re like most of the people I work with, you’ve come from a difficult background.  Now, I’ll leave that up to you to interpret.

But if you’ve witnessed “not so normal” behavior in relationships being passed off as just the way things are, likely, you’ve come to accept a certain level of F*ed- upness as “Fine. Just fine.”

And so, you went into your relationships tolerating some behavior that just isn’t “normal”.

Or what I like to call-Healthy.

So, here’s a short list I’ve created of “Not So Normal” relationship behaviors.

And if you see yourself or the one you love in this description, something needs to change. Because what you’ve been tolerating and settling for is causing you peace, sanity, fulfillment and true joy.

Now, not to worry, if you find you’ve been in the “not so normal zone” there is hope!

In the meantime here’s that Not So Normal list.

Side note: This list is based off of my Attachment Personality Pattern Methodology. If you want a deeper dive into these patterns, please apply to work together by requesting a complimentary consultation at www.LoveCoachHeidi.com

Also, this is by NO means a complete list. Of course, there are even more obvious signs that your relationship is unhealthy. If you are in an abusive relationship, please consider seeking help through the national abuse hotline www.thehotline.org

And now, the list of “NOT SO NORMAL RELATIONSHIP behaviors”…

1. Control issues.

You try and control the way others see, feel, and experience you. You try and convince others how to think, feel and believe in general.  Or, you’re being controlled by another attempting to do the same.  

2. Perfectionism

You’re not allowed to make mistakes and you have to have it all together all of the time. You have high to impossible expectations on yourself as well as those around you.

3. People Pleasing

It’s not okay to be you so you try and be whomever you need to be to gain approval, acceptance, or avoid problems. You say yes when you mean no. You go along with things even though you don’t want to so you won’t rock the boat.

4. Withholding

You want to be affectionate, loving, or display emotion, but you cannot. You hold yourself back from giving or being vulnerable due to trust issues.

5. Pretending

You’re NOT fine. But you pretend like everything is status quo. You likely self-medicate to tolerate the things you ignore. There’s an element of denial involved. You believe “it’s not that bad” though you know deep down, you’re drowning. You believe it will magically get better but it never does.

6. Clinging

You go ALL IN way to soon with the wrong people. You’re afraid that if you don’t seal the deal with constant attention, you’ll be forgotten or dismissed.  Space scares you. Things moving too slowly are excruciating.

7. Fixing

You have case loads instead of friends. You’re the rock, the one everyone comes to, but no one is ever there for you. You don’t know how to be in a relationship without being “needed.”

8. Victim Mentality

*To be clear, this is different that being a true victim. If you are in an abusive relationship, use the above resource for help.

 In this case, we’re using the term to describe an attitude of “it’s everyone else’s fault I’m in this situation. There’s nothing I can do.” It’s a belief that you are not in control of your choices and your life and that you could be happy if only others would change.

So what now?

If you’ve resonated with any of these “not so normal behavior patterns”, then you’re a great candidate for change because there is a solution!!!

I used to do many of these behaviors myself. Until one day, it all came to a head in my mid thirties.

I woke up alone, heartbroken, childless and hangover. And I thought, “There has to be a better way!”

That’s when I got busy making the health of my relationships a priority.

Because here’s the truth, you can have everything else. But if you have a relationship that’s causing you anxiety, depression, confusion or resentment, you’ll ask yourself “What’s the point?”

I believe I have the solution you’ve been looking for all along. And it’s not your typical relationship advice because, that’s not going to work for you or for me.

Remember? We’re different. It’s true. And you require a different approach. I have that radical NEW approach.

So, join me over www.LoveCoachHeidi.com and let’s talk.