#3 of 7 Stupid behaviors keeping you single or struggling in your relationships.
Many of the women I get the pleasure of helping have TRUST ISSUES. It’s a thing. And it’s a thing that goes deep. How do you learn to trust? How do you open up?
Rumi said…”Your task is not to seek love, you task is to remove the barriers you have built against it.”
That depends on 1 question. Why do they need to know?
Let’s say that you’re a person who eats, lives, and breathes recovery, and you identify as an addict or alcoholic. Addiction and recovery are a big part of who you are. So, it’s probably important that you share such a big part of who you are with someone you want to share your life with.
Basically, if recovery and addiction are a big part of who you are, they you should bring it up. And hopefully you don’t let shame or fear of rejection deter you.
If someone you are interested in thinks less of you for your struggles, then they are telling you that they’re not right for you.
You want someone who celebrates the fact that you’re a survivor and an overcomer. Not someone who thinks less of you for what you’ve been through.
It’s true that some people don’t understand addiction. So, it might be up to you to educate them.
Think of it this way. Let’s pretend you had cancer. And you worked really hard and the cancer went into remission. You started dating someone new. Would you tell them about the cancer? When would you tell them about it? How much would you tell them? And why would you tell them?
Most people would say, I’d tell them when I felt like we were getting serious. And I’d tell them just what I wanted to share about my experience. And I’d tell them because there is a chance it could return.
Maybe you wouldn’t share all the stories about how you threw up every time you got chemo. But there would probably be a sense of pride in telling the story of overcoming.
When people share their stories of overcoming cancer, people cheer them on and celebrate their bravery.
Do you know that you deserve the same celebration?
It’s true. You are amazing!
The problem is that you have done things you are ashamed of in your addiction. Things you probably don’t want anyone to find out about.
But the truth is, you and I both know that’s not what you would have done if you weren’t a slave to the compulsion. And it’s certainly not the woman you are today.
We’ve all done things we regret. But those things have gotten us closer to the woman we are today.
We really need to get rid of the shame associated with addiction and that starts with you.
A person you love and who loves you will probably want to know as much as you’re willing to share.
Be proud of yourself for surviving. Be proud of yourself for doing the work to get better. Be proud of yourself! Let’s go make t-shirts and shout it from the roof tops, “I kicked addiction’s ass!”
You are amazing! Only be with people who agree.
Please share today’s message with a someone who could use it!
Love you!
Heidi
What happens when you walk through your relationship life believing you can’t trust men?
“Any minute now this guy is going to show me his true colors.”
“Sure, he seems all nice now, that’s just because he wants sex.”
“Any day now, the other shoe is going to drop with this guy!”
Do you find yourself saying things like this?
When women don’t trust men, it can show up in a multitude of ways. One way, of course, is isolating. Why? It’s easier to stay alone than risk being let down.
How does it show up in your relationships when you don’t trust men?
It usually shows up in one of two ways.
If you’re a tester, you find yourself pushing buttons. You will basically do whatever you have to do to get this guy to “crack”, meaning- show you his true colors. So, you constantly try to poke and prod him to see how he will handle it.
If you are an emotional distancer, you will keep an emotional buffer between you and him. You will get close, but not too close. You may even choose men you are less attracted to so you don’t get too caught up.
So, what makes you trust someone?
Immediately when I ask this, most people say, “Integrity. People keep their word.”
I can be a person who always does what I say I’m going to do. I can be excellent at keeping my word. But if my word is I’m leaving you and I do it, you don’t trust me.
Other say, “Responsibility. They are committed.” Well, I can agree to only be responsible for myself and leave you feeling totally unsupported. And you won’t trust me.
Then, someone will say, “Realness. Authenticity. They are honest about who they are.”
It can’t be that either because I could be honest about being as ass hole, be an ass hole, tell you I told you so and you still won’t trust me.
People trust for one main reason: aligned mission. The mission? We both have each other’s best interest at heart. You may hurt me, but I am going to assume it wasn’t on purpose.
When I know you have my best interest at heart, I trust you. It’s that simple.
And the main reason you choose men you can’t trust is because you don’t have your own best interest at heart.
How many times have you let yourself down? How many times have you lied to yourself?
More than likely, you have built an incredible amount of negative trust. You trust yourself to do the wrong thing. You trust yourself not to have your best interest at heart.
So, it’s going to take you consistently proving to yourself that you can count on you before you can learn to count on anyone else.
Do you have your own best interest at heart?
Work on that, and you will attract men you can trust.
I love you,
Heidi
When you first meet someone, you can get wrapped up in them. You might think about him all day long, wondering if he’s thinking of you and if he is, what he is thinking. It’s natural to want to make him happy. It’s easy to think more about him than you do about you. But when do you cross the line into being unhealthy?
I knew a girl who every time she got into a relationship, she disappeared. Her friends would be left wondering where she went. She wouldn’t do anything unless she was doing it with her boyfriend. She found herself dressing the way he liked her to and wearing her hair and makeup the way he preferred, and talking about the things he found most interesting.
She ate where he wanted to eat and she saw the movies he wanted to see.
Her friends would tell her she was losing herself.
But she couldn’t see that until the day they broke up.
Then, she looked around and couldn’t remember who she was. Her friends had moved on without her and she was left trying to figure out how to get back to her old self.
It’s unhealthy when you sacrifice yourself consistently for the preferences of another human being.
When you meet someone, you shouldn’t feel like you have to bend yourself into a more attractive version of you in order to stay attractive to him. Be you. Do you. Like what you like.
And if it differs from him, that’s ok. You are your own person with your own set of preferences.
If you find yourself bending to be more of who you think he will love, you will always be bending. And unless you’re Gumby, that can eventually be pretty painful.
When you love someone, you shouldn’t smother them.
Relationships are like people, they need air to survive. Give each other some breathing room.
That breathing room is where you retain the space to be yourself. Do the things you love to do. Keep your friendships. Do the things you want to do.
Love you,
Heidi
Knowing if you’re ready to get into a relationship can be a tricky thing. You can feel ready and still be ill equipped and you can be ill equipped and feel ready. There’s not a one size fits all answer here. But I will give you a quick test. If you answer yes to any of these three questions, then you are NOT ready.
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If you are wanting to get with someone so you can feel more lovable, worthy, special, important, or any other version f “better about yourself”, then it’s a big fat NO. The deal is that you will only attract someone who feels the exact way you feel about you. And you can’t fake it. So, until you genuinely feel awesome about who you are, you won’t attract someone who thinks you’re the cat’s pajamas. Work first on feeling better about yourself just as you are.
Do you want someone to help pay the bills? Split the resnt? Take care of you emotionally? Physically? If it’s a yes, then it’s a no! You’ve got to know you can take total care of yourself first. And you can!
Did you just get sober and feel a gaping hole? Are you bored? Are you craving a rush that only a new guy can fill? Then, it’s a no. Quick sex is a cheat substitute for long term genuine happiness. Learn to fill in the gaps solo. When you can learn to love yourself, you’re ready. Of course, I’d love to help you get relationship ready! Love to you, Heidi
You know how it goes. You get hurt, you heal, and then you’re ready to get on the horse again. Except this new horse seems a lot like the old horse and you find yourself losing your farm all over again.
As you know, my mission is to help millions of people learn how to love and be loved. I want everyone to have the love they deserve.
It’s a big mission! and I’ve had some obstacles on that mission. One really BIG one has been the fact that I had an aversion to all things techie.
But my desire to fulfill my mission has set me on a path to learn what I need to know so I can reach more people.
As a result of learning a little more, I figured out how to do a google hang out and post it right here LIVE on my site.
I am so excited! I can’t tell you how proud I was of myself that I actually pulled it off.
I call it Love Class and it’s a live Saturday class where I teach on all things love and relationships.
I want to know what you want to learn. So, please leave a comment for me.
What do you want to see on an upcoming live class?
Below is last week’s class on beliefs. It answers the question “How do I stop getting hurt in my relationships.”
Please watch if it sounds like you could benefit or share it with someone you know who keeps having the same problems in their relationship over and over.
I love you so much and I hope to see you next Saturday!
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LoveCoachHeidi.com
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