Hello Ride or Die: Are you TOO LOYAL?

by | Apr 12, 2016 | Advice, Dating, Dating Coach, Love, Relationship Coaching, Relationships

Is there such a thing as being too loyal?
If you’re reading this blog or watching the video I’m gonna say YES! Because I know one thing for sure. You aren’t happy. Maybe the relationship you’re in is stealing your joy, robbing you of what you believe you truly deserve deep down, and you’re over it. Except one pesky detail. You’re too loyal.
How did you get that way? The same way the rest of do. One of two ways.
1. You grew up in a house where your parents were jerks, but you had to love them anyway. You got rewarded for sticking it out even though mom was driving drunk or dad was cheating with your mom’s best friend. You kept secrets and you saw right past the bad behavior, because that was supposed to be love.
BUT, just because you can love someone even though they are hurting you doesn’t mean you should.

2. You have low self-esteem like I did. I stayed in a relationship for 10 years with a man who said he loved me but slept with other women. In fact, the only time he wanted me was when I was breaking up with him. And I stayed because it was a place I could continually try and prove my value. “Over here, over here, pick me, pick me!” like a 7th grade game of dodge ball when it’s down to me and Smelly Shelly to get picked for teams.

I was hoping that my loyalty would get me chosen. He would see how amazing I was and say, “Wow! Look how loyal this chick is! I pick her.”

Trust me when I tell you that the only “reward” you get for loyalty is the boobie prize.  Congratulations. You put up with bullshit longer than anyone else would. Waaa Waaa Waaa goes the boobie prize trombone.

How long have you been in the crappy relationship? What are you waiting for?
Ride or die only sounds cool in rap songs. In reality, it’s dumb as hell. Go on. Get out of the car.
Please share this video with anyone you know who needs it and as always subscribe for more from love class.
Love you,
​Heidi

How to change people

by | Mar 28, 2016 | Advice, Dating, Dating Coach, Relationship Coaching, Relationships

Can you change someone else?
YES! Or NO! Circle one.
Yes! You can.
But it won’t happen without you doing anything. There are three steps.
Step One: Grab a pen and a piece of paper and write Dear Honey at the top of the page.
Step 2: I want you to get very specific. What would you like to change about them? Think for a minute about all of the things that drive you crazy about them. Now write all of those things down.
Step 3. Cross out Honey, and put your name instead.
Have you ever heard the saying, “You are what bothers you about other people?”
Or how about “What’s missing in your relationship is what you’re withholding?
Let’s look at that list again. Let’s pretend you wrote down:
My partner needs to show more affection.
Now, I want you to ask yourself, “How do I show affection?”

You may think you show affection. But I am going to hedge a bet that you actually withhold it. And I bet it goes something like this, “I showed affection last time. I’m going to wait for them to be affectionate this time.”
“I’ll say I love you when he says I love you”.
You see? You become like a scorekeeper in the affection department and you give or withhold according to whose winning or losing.
Here’s the deal. If you want more affection in your relationship, be more affectionate!
If you want more help. Help more.
If you want more passion, for God’s sake, get sexy!
If you want to feel appreciated, appreciate yourself! Really! Take your gorgeous self down to the grocery store and buy yourself some flowers! Better yet, go to the actual florist!
Want more romance? Draw a hot bubble bath, light the candles and call your partner in to wash your back!
But we don’t do that. Right? We wait for someone else to give us what we desire most. STOP WAITING! Its not going to happen that way! You have to give yourself what you want the most.
And then. Something radical happens. When you start giving, you start getting! That’s right!
You deserve to get your needs met. Go on. Meet them.
I love you,
Heidi

Having a hard time letting things go? be like the apple tree.

by | Feb 18, 2016 | Advice, Dating, Dating Coach, Relationship Coaching, Relationships

Why do you think people have such a hard time letting things go? There are books written about how to let go and sayings like, “Let got and let God.” It sounds so romantic! But still, we struggle. Let’s take a minute and look at the apple tree because it’s the perfect example of how to let something go.
An apple tree is standing tall, admiring it’s fruit and it comes across a rotten apple. What does it do? It simply drops it. It lets it go.
But what if the apple were like us? It would probably stand there and make up a million stories about what may happen if it let’s it go!
“Oh, what if I let it go and it hits a stranger or a small child?”
“What if I let it go and no more fruit comes in its place? I’ll have an empty hole!”
“What if only part of it goes?” If the apple tree were like us, it would never let anything go. It would never bear new fruit.
When I was in my early twenties, I was dating a man who was very bad for me. He was abusive and it was a terribly unhealthy relationship. But I stayed because I told myself a story about what would happen if I left.
“He won’t be able to move on!”
“He will hurt himself!”
“He will follow me and never leave me alone!”
Well, I ignored tat story and I ended the relationship.
Do you know that he didn’t even have the nerve to stalk me? NO! Didn’t even call once. Probably didn’t even know I left!
The stories we tell ourselves about why we can’t let go are the only reason letting go is hard. Stop telling the story and be like the apple tree. Drop the rotten and make room for the new!
Love,
Heidi

Handling rejection, people who play games and self esteem. 

by | Feb 8, 2016 | Advice, Dating, Dating Coach, Relationship Coaching, Relationships

Recently, I sat down with Hillary Raimo and YIN Radio to discuss everything relationships! It’s funny what comes up when you have two hours to lay it all out! The hot topic was our real value.
I had a great time answering some tough questions and I believe there are some nuggets of wisdom for you to take away. And of course, if nothing else, you can see my cute little dogs having a blast in the background! lol
I hope you enjoy!
Was there something that stood out for you?
Leave a comment. And please sign up for our Love Class updates!
Feel free to share this if you know someone needs to hear it!
Love you!
​Heidi

ARE MEN REALLY EMOTIONALLY dumb?

by | Nov 13, 2015 | Advice, Dating, Dating Coach, Relationship Coaching, Relationships, Understanding Men

questioning man

questioning man

Have you picked up a book on Men lately? Most of them are touting advice that help women get him to open up, or share his feelings, or communicate.
The other day, I saw an article on some web site that said, “Communicate with your Man in 10 words or less.” I mean, is this something we actually need? Is he really that dumb? Does he truly have the attention span of gnat? Is he the emotional equivalent of a toddler?
Is he a dumb ape?
Is he really incapable of expressing himself? Is this still a thing?
In the decade I have been coaching women, I’m going to say, NO! It is NOT a thing! More women come to me to ask how to get their man to STOP sharing so many feelings than to get him to talk.
This sounds like more of your Grandmas problem that a NOW problem. Doesn’t it? I mean, if you picture a stoic man, who comes to mind? My Grandpa Frank comes to mine.
We want men to share their feelings. But only on our terms.
You know what I mean?
You want him to have feelings, but only when it’s convenient.
“Don’t have feelings when I’m having feelings!”
And when he shares his feelings when we don’t want him to, we tell him he must be manstrating and tell him to man up.
Most of the women I talk with are feeling like there is a man crisis. For example, the man bun! Or the pink bearded lumbersexual.
So if we want Men, but we want emotionally available Men. What is the balance then?
How do we create a space for men to be able to share their feelings?
Often, when you ask a man how he feels, it will take him a minute to find the answer. So, while he is searching himself to find the answer, we interpret that pause as he must not know how he feels or he is about to make something up. Neither are true. We process things a little quicker because we walk around all day long with people asking us how we feel. So, our feelings are always on the top of our minds. Most Men aren’t standing around asking, “So, Ted! Feelings? Go.”
Most Men keep it on the lighter side. Why? Training.
We train men that it’s not ok to talk about feelings when they are boys.
Then, we marry them and beat them up for not expressing themselves.
Then when they do, we tell them they are turning us off and call them a Pussy.
They can’t win.
So, how so you get your Man to share? You ALLOW it.
You don’t need to train him. He’s not dumb. He knows how to do it.
Here’s how we allow: Ask him. Then shut up.
I know this is a hard one for me. But just like you, he doesn’t want to be interrupted. And just like you, after he shares, he will feel better. And he will move on.
How about you? Do you allow your Man to share?
Love you,
​Heidi
​

Are you a coconut? How we push people away without even knowing it.

by | Sep 28, 2015 | Advice, Dating, Dating Coach, Relationship Coaching, Relationships

Once upon a time, there was a girl who lived in a coconut. It was warm, secure and she was comfortable. She had plenty of food and she felt safe . But as time went on, she started to feel lonely and a little bored. she longed for a more exciting and fulfilling life.  So, she would say a prayer that someday, someone would come along and crack her shell open. And then, she waited on the beach.

At first, she as really hopeful! “Oh! I can’t wait until the right person comes along! Then, everything will be so different! I will breathe in the fresh air and get to go to exciting places! I will finally get out of this shell and see the world! I can’t wait to have someone to be happy with! I will be so happy when that happens!”

After some time, she could hear people walking by. But no one came. She was angry. “What’s wrong with people?!?” She would yell. “Don’t they know I’m in here? Doesn’t anyone care?” She became quite the victim inside of that shell.”I can’t believe that dummy didn’t know I was in here! What? Is HE BLIND? Is he dumb? What’s his problem? Maybe the next guy will be stronger and better and have more sense about him!”

But still, no one came. And she started to get bitter. “Well. I suppose I’m better off in this coconut! It’s lonely, but at least I know what to expect. Who wants to be out there anyway? With all of those selfish and stupid people.. Yea, it’s better in here. Alone.” She lied to herself.

Eventually, she died.

Weeks later, there were people walking on the beach kicking shells and someone kicked her shell. Out popped the shriveled up old lady she had become. And the people panicked! “Oh my! There are people living inside of these coconuts! Let’s get them out!” They searched and searched for more people inside of the coconuts but they never found another one. Why?

Because that kind of a nut is one in a million.
(Ba da da goes the drum.)

It’s an old story taken from one of my first formal teachers on Love,  Leo Busgaglia. And the first time I heard it, I said, “YES! I too am a coconu!” I was in my twenties, waiting to be rescued.
And then, over the years, I have met several more coconuts.

How might you be showing up as a coconut?

I know in my work, as a Relationship Expert, I see it all of the time. I’ve actually narrowed it down to 10 personality types. (More about that in my 8 week coaching program!)

I see a coconut every time a woman says something like: “I have walls. I don’t trust a lot of people. So, it’s going to take some effort to break me open.”

Or a Man says, “I don’t know how to be emotionally available. It’s going to take the right woman to motivate me to open up.”

“I’ve been hurt! Men need to work harder to earn my attention and respect now.”

And it doesn’t always sound so abrasive. Sometimes, it sounds like, “I have a list of expectations”. Not that expectations are a bad thing, but checklists  keep us lonely for sure.

Or, she is single and alone and lonely. She wants to have a relationship but  pretends it’s about not meeting the right people. Or she pretends she is OK being alone when she is born for love and feels the best when she is with people. .

In a relationship, a coconut expecst her partner to meet all of her needs.
She  come to a relationship asking, “What’s in it for me?”

Or she is in a miserable relationship, and she knows she should leave, but convenience and commitment keeps her in it. She wants things to change (and by things, I mean HIM.) She wants HIM to change because HE is the problem.

There are three steps out of this behavior:

#1 Know your type of nut
What type of coconut are you? Are you an Emotional Distancer? Do you keep people at an arms length and try not to get too close?
Are you a Controlling Coconut? Do you attempt to control every situation?
Are you a Tester? Do you intentionally push buttons to see what happens? And by that I mean see if he will leave you.
Like I said, there are 10 types of coconuts.

#2 Make the decision to change by taking 100% responsibility
No one is born a nut! You can absolutely change. But only if you are willing to take 100% responsibility for how you are loving and being loved. Remember the young coconut above? She blamed every man she heard walking by. But at the end of the day, we are the common demonstrator.

#3 Seek out a qualified mentor or a coach
Who has walked the path before you? How can she illuminate your way? When we are seeking help with relationships, who do we usually go to? Yup! Our friends. And usually, they are as troubled as we are.
When you are seeking relationship advice, always ask yourself, “This person I am asking for help right now, do they have what I want?” That question is so important. Because, a leader can only take a follower as far as she has gone herself.
So, seek someone who walks the talk!

So, now let’s hear from you. Do you know any coconuts?
Leave a comment below. Don’t forget to hit the like button too! And as always, please share if you believe this will enlighten another sister on the path!
With Love and Laughs,
Heidi