Three types of control freaks. I was number 3.

by | Jun 28, 2017 | Advice, boundaries, codependency, Feelings, Relationships

After I was asked to do a video on power struggles, I realized the video should really be about control. Because in my mind, all a power struggle is, is a delusion that you actually have any control.

Then, as I thought about it, I realized there are really three types of controllers.

  1. The Charming Controller
  2. The Complaining Controller
  3. The Compulsive Controller

I’m in recovery for the third.

In my mind, a compulsive controller had the best interest of others at heart. And it’s not intentionally trying to control. It’s instinctual.

I hope you find great value in today’s video explaining all there.

At the end, I give some tips on how to overcome the urge.

Watch the video now… RIGHT NOW (said in controlling voice.)

How Do You Care Less About What Others Think Of You?

by | Jun 5, 2017 | Advice, boundaries, codependency, Feelings, Low self esteem, Relationships

Let’s cover first things first. You’re never not going to care what others think of you. And do you know why? It’s because you’re awesome. You’re sensitive and you actually want people to like you. It’s important to you.

So, instead of putting all of your energy into not caring, let’s focus on 3 keys that will change your perspective on what people are actually thinking.

#1. You’re making up what you think people are thinking about you.

Yes! It’s true! You actually have no real idea what people are thinking. Often, it’s the story in your head you are telling about what people are thinking that is making you anxious, sad, or upset. So, if you’re making things up, why not make up something good?

#2. People aren’t thinking about you.

I hate to tell you. I mean, yes! You are awesome, lovely, chatworthy! AND no one is truly thinking about you. And if they are, they’re thinking about you in terms of how you compare to themselves. We’re all a little egotistical. And we’re all more invested in ourselves than we are in other people anyway.

#3. You need to take a frenemy inventory: block, delete, and move on.

Ok, let’s say it’s true that people are talking about you. And you now this only because you’ve heard it from someone who knows. People are talking, they’re leaving nasty comments. Or plain old being rude. It’s time to block, delete, and move on! Life is too long to have those kind of relationships!

Watch the video to see the whole explanation….

How Do You Handle A Funk?

by | May 16, 2017 | Advice, binge drinking, Binge eating, Feelings, Love

I’ve been in a F.U.N.K…Fu**&ing Uncomfortable Not Knowing…What’s Wrong with Me?

When things are going great and we feel like a million bucks, no one stops dead in their tracks and goes… “Wait a minute. What’s wrong with me?”

We’re just expecting to feel good. But as soon as a funk comes to town, our world stops and we ponder our problem day and night. As if it’s not normal to feel bad.

So, perplexed at what could potentially be happening, we simply say “I’m in a funk.”

That’s where I’ve been. Feeling sad, pissed, irritated, anxious, and bored. Wanting to eat everything not nailed down, but remembering I’m managing an eating disorder. So, binging to feel better is out of the question because I know it only makes me feel twice as bad.

Coping this week involved…..

Who am I kidding? Sometimes when I get in a funk I don’t want to anything. Including the things that help me cope. Still, I’m trying not to be the mood police. Mostly because I hate when other people do that to me. “Are you ok?” “What’s wrong with you?”

I used to get that all of the time. And mostly because I walked around with a forced perma-smile on my face and just beneath that was a little forced cheerleader like., “A is for awesome, awesome, awesome, are we!”

But I’m not awesome. I’m in a funk.

I remember a day when I couldn’t identify any feelings other than rageful, devastated, embarrassed, or shameful.

Because in the past when I was feeling like this, I did things to hurt myself further.

When I felt sad or anxious, I drank or ate. And then, I felt shame and regret on top of sadness or anxiety.

These days, I don’t run to French fries, Chinese, or wine. I run to self–compassion and patience. But let’s get real…those things seem to take longer.

But only in the short term. In the long run, running to destructive methods to feel better only ever made me feel worse.

Still, the seeker of immediate gratification in me wants to feel better RIGHT NOW!

I have videos to make. People to help, a toddler to play with, and a husband to connect with.

But none of those things are getting done the way I’d like them to be done right now.

But guess what? That’s ok.

Yes! I said it…that’s fucking ok.

Part of the reason it takes longer to come out of the funk is the judgement about being in the funk in the first place.

So, I practice radical acceptance.

I’m in a funk. OK. That’s OK that I’m in a funk! I don’t have to hide it, or fix it right the hell now.

I can just be in a funk. And guess what….

I didn’t post a video last week and no one died.

I didn’t play with as much enthusiasm as I wanted to. And Ellie didn’t bat an eye.

I didn’t connect with my husband the way I wanted to, but I told him what was up and that connected us in another way.

I have to be willing to allow and accept feelings. And that means all of them.

The tide comes in and the tide goes out.

The seasons change.

And so do my moods. Do I think I’m somehow going to be the only living being in the world that doesn’t experience shifts or changes or follows the rules of the Universe?

Acceptance.

Patience.

This too shall pass. And when it does, it will increase my gratitude for when I truly feel AWESOME.

I love to see your comments, so please leave me one!

Love you!

Heidi