A Special Video for Moms and Wives of Addicts

by | Aug 15, 2017 | Advice, binge drinking, Binge eating, boundaries, codependency, Feelings, Love, Relationships

Hello lovely,

Let me get right to the point…

WHEN YOU ask me questions about how to go about your relationship with the addict in your life….

I FEEL that I have great information for you

I WANT you to click on the video

So, IF YOU watch and implement the video

I WILL continue to be able to help you

And to the contrary,

WHEN YOU ask me questions about how to handle your addicted loved one

I FEEL like I have great answers for you

I WANT you to click on the video

IF YOU  don’t watch and apply the video, likely nothing will change

I WON’T be able to help you

Do I have any control over whether or not you watch this video? Of course not. All I can do is make the video, offer it to you and let go of the outcome.

But that’s easier said than done. Especially wheen there are so many feelings involved. So, this week’s video is a deeper dive into the boundary conversation. I hope you enjoy it!

Also, in the video, I made mention of the Online Family Program for families of addicts or alcoholics. You can find out more about that program here. https://onlinefamilyrecoveryprogram.mykajabi.com/p/online-family-program-landing

Please leave a comment and let me know your thoughts. Have you set a boundary? How has it gone for you?

How Do You Handle A Funk?

by | May 16, 2017 | Advice, binge drinking, Binge eating, Feelings, Love

I’ve been in a F.U.N.K…Fu**&ing Uncomfortable Not Knowing…What’s Wrong with Me?

When things are going great and we feel like a million bucks, no one stops dead in their tracks and goes… “Wait a minute. What’s wrong with me?”

We’re just expecting to feel good. But as soon as a funk comes to town, our world stops and we ponder our problem day and night. As if it’s not normal to feel bad.

So, perplexed at what could potentially be happening, we simply say “I’m in a funk.”

That’s where I’ve been. Feeling sad, pissed, irritated, anxious, and bored. Wanting to eat everything not nailed down, but remembering I’m managing an eating disorder. So, binging to feel better is out of the question because I know it only makes me feel twice as bad.

Coping this week involved…..

Who am I kidding? Sometimes when I get in a funk I don’t want to anything. Including the things that help me cope. Still, I’m trying not to be the mood police. Mostly because I hate when other people do that to me. “Are you ok?” “What’s wrong with you?”

I used to get that all of the time. And mostly because I walked around with a forced perma-smile on my face and just beneath that was a little forced cheerleader like., “A is for awesome, awesome, awesome, are we!”

But I’m not awesome. I’m in a funk.

I remember a day when I couldn’t identify any feelings other than rageful, devastated, embarrassed, or shameful.

Because in the past when I was feeling like this, I did things to hurt myself further.

When I felt sad or anxious, I drank or ate. And then, I felt shame and regret on top of sadness or anxiety.

These days, I don’t run to French fries, Chinese, or wine. I run to self–compassion and patience. But let’s get real…those things seem to take longer.

But only in the short term. In the long run, running to destructive methods to feel better only ever made me feel worse.

Still, the seeker of immediate gratification in me wants to feel better RIGHT NOW!

I have videos to make. People to help, a toddler to play with, and a husband to connect with.

But none of those things are getting done the way I’d like them to be done right now.

But guess what? That’s ok.

Yes! I said it…that’s fucking ok.

Part of the reason it takes longer to come out of the funk is the judgement about being in the funk in the first place.

So, I practice radical acceptance.

I’m in a funk. OK. That’s OK that I’m in a funk! I don’t have to hide it, or fix it right the hell now.

I can just be in a funk. And guess what….

I didn’t post a video last week and no one died.

I didn’t play with as much enthusiasm as I wanted to. And Ellie didn’t bat an eye.

I didn’t connect with my husband the way I wanted to, but I told him what was up and that connected us in another way.

I have to be willing to allow and accept feelings. And that means all of them.

The tide comes in and the tide goes out.

The seasons change.

And so do my moods. Do I think I’m somehow going to be the only living being in the world that doesn’t experience shifts or changes or follows the rules of the Universe?

Acceptance.

Patience.

This too shall pass. And when it does, it will increase my gratitude for when I truly feel AWESOME.

I love to see your comments, so please leave me one!

Love you!

Heidi

Dealing with depression naturally. How to cope.

by | May 1, 2017 | Advice, Love, Relationships

When depression comes to visit.

Heidi's heart painting

Depression is a rude guest. It always shows up unannounced. It comes and goes when it feels like it, often at inopportune times. It leaves a mess when it breezes into town and expects you to drop everything to be with it.  It makes you feel bad for opening the door in the first place. It blames you for everything that doesn’t go right.  It’s entitled and inconsiderate. Not to mention it also makes you feel bad.

As you can imagine, a guest like that would be very unwelcomed.

That’s how I felt Sunday morning when I sensed it was coming. I didn’t get it and I definitely didn’t want it. I had just had a beautiful weekend. There was no reason I could think of that gave it the green light to visit.

I started to think about how I could pretend not to be home. Hide in my room, under the covers, or just not answer the door this time. Maybe it would get the hint and go bother someone else.

But, having a toddler at home and a husband out of town. I didn’t have that luxury. So, I woke up and opened the door. It floated above and around me.

Then it made its way in.

Maybe you know what that feels like.  The proverbial gray cloud that follows you around, it still seeps in and parks itself on your chest, attaches itself to your back, forcing you to carry the weight of it around, or it settles in the lump it cultivates in the back of your throat.

At first, I ignore it. I try and pretend it’s not there and go on about my day.  Wake up, make breakfast, and play with Ellie. Smile. Try to pretend it’s not there. Distract myself.

I’m a girl who loves a good state change-thank you Tony Robbins and NLP, but sometimes that works, and other days it only seems to entice the sadness.  Pissing it off and helping it grow.

So then it morphs into frustration. I distract myself long enough to think I’m just in a bad mood. And that works for a while, where I can just pretend I’m pissed or PMSing.

But eventually something will happen to shift me back “home” to the intent of the original visitor. I will stub my toe, burn noodles, or open a bill and WHAM! There it is.

There she is. And she envelops me. And

I let her in. Fully. Finally.

I fell to my knees sobbing in the kitchen. And my toddler was in the living room.

I heard Ellie’s soft voice through my sobbing, “What happened Mommy?” She asked.

I was tempted to say, “Nothing.” But instead I said. “Mommy just got sad.”

“Mommy just got sad?” She echoed.

“Yes honey. Mommy is sad.”

“Here.” She said scooting our little Chihuahua closer to me. “Want to pet Milo?

“Thank you” I wept petting Milo.

Ellie began to rub my back and play with my hair, “You pretty hair, mommy.”

“Thank you Ellie.”

“You fine now?” She wanted.

“Mommy’s still sad”, I still needed to cry.

“Want to go color? Come on Mommy” She grabbed my hand and led me to the canvas.

As I sat, crying and coloring with my daughter I felt so blessed that I could cry and that I didn’t need to run to the bathroom or suck it up to protect her.

I feel blessed that she can see the value in seeing a feeling through.

What she taught me was how to remember how to be a good hostess.

When sadness comes to visit, sometimes there’s immense value in just being present for it. Not being mad at it, but welcoming it and asking it what it needs or why it’s here.

Before, I would do anything to push sadness away. I would try and drown it, or medicate it, or sleep it away. But today, I showed up to meet it. And there is a lesson in every tear.

What Do Opiates and Instagram Have in Common? How do we get real… create a life that’s truly happy?

by | Apr 26, 2017 | Advice, binge drinking, Binge eating, codependency, Love, Low self esteem, Relationships

We are a nation obsessed with feeling good. And there’s nothing wrong with that. What everyone wants in life is to be happy.  We want to be as happy as possible, the fastest way possible and with as little work as possible.

The problem is, there are no shortcuts to long term happiness.

We want to be an overnight success. A reality star, an Instagram model. And we don’t just want to feel good. We want to look good too.

We’re not living our lives with Instagram filters, we’re living our lives IN Instagram filters.  Where if “it’s” not good, we can edit it to look better than it is.

So what that means is a lot of people don’t work harder at making a better life, they work harder at making their lives look better. And that sucks.

It sucks because while people are trying to look good, no one’s actually genuinely good. And then the seeking starts to put a band-aid on a flesh wound.

The drug of choice becomes the new filter. Whether its opiates, shopping, sleeping, or binging on Netflix or Oreos, the filter manipulates you and you get hustled into thinking your life is happier than it is.

How do we get real? How do we start to create a life that’s truly happy?

#1. We get honest about what’s really going in

That means we make a decision to stop bullshitting ourselves and people around us. And if they start to feel threatened by that, then we know right away that those aren’t the people we want around us. Mainly because they are just going to bring us down. We find someone to talk to. We get a life coach and we lay it out.  We get a therapist and we dig it up, we check ourselves into a program that will help us get our head on straight. We decide to stop pretending that everything’s fine.

#2. We stop trying to put band-aids on flesh wounds.

I’m not talking about throwing a filter on a beautiful moment we actually experienced. I’m talking about the people who market their business with a woman standing on a yacht but can barely pay her rent on her studio apartment. I’m talking about taking a substance to feel better right now instead of doing the work to feel better long term.

We are an instant gratification society.

People in older generations understood that things take time. They just forgot. Younger generations get impatient when a website takes 5 seconds to load.

We need to be willing to be in our lives for the long haul. The good, the bad, the real.

If social anxiety is a problem for some, find a person who can help you be better at being with people. Don’t pop a Xanax.

If your marriage lacks intimacy or passion, work with someone to fix the problems within you that prevent you from connecting the way you won’t. Don’t drink 4 glasses of wine.

If you are in a job you hate, quit and find something else, don’t take pills so you can be motivated enough to go in and punch a time clock.

If you aren’t happy with your business, don’t spend hours trying to find out how you can “brand” yourself to look more attractive. BE more attractive to yourself by removing anything that actually robs you of your self-esteem. 

#3. We decide who we really are and what we really want and pretend it’s 1980 and no one’s watching.

Seriously, if no one gave a shit, what would you be doing? How would you be spending your time? Who would you be spending it with? What really makes you happy? How are you wasting your time? What really matters at the end of the day?

Find out what fulfills you and peruse those things.

#4. We take 100% responsibility for our lives and everything in it.

We stop blaming people for what went wrong 20 years ago or today. I get it. I know your parents didn’t give you everything you needed to be successful. I know that ass hole left you and you felt blindsided. I understand that you lost everything at some point in your life.

 

So what, now what?

Instead of waiting for the proverbial pat on the back from you dad, or an
“I’m sorry” from your mom or the “I was a fool to leave you” from your ex, what if you decided right now to be the father to yourself you always wanted? What if you were going to take on the role of mother to yourself? What if you were going to be your own true love and you decided to take yourself seriously?

You’d take your happiness into your own hands. You’d stop medicating with food, alcohol. pills, or Instagram filters.

You’d just find what makes you happy. But then…you would actually do the work necessary to get there. Because as your own mother, you’re not simply obsessed with looking good. And you don’t really on feeling good either.

If successful people only did what they felt like doing, nothing would ever get done.

NOTHING.

So, you have to be willing to stop trying to feel good all of the time. You would embrace the frustration. Because you know that sometimes it takes being unhappy to give yourself the push to start moving in the right direction.

If you want everything to feel good, you’re screwed.  And if you want everything to look good, you’re lying to yourself.

It doesn’t always look good. And you know what? I think people really appreciate that.

Do you know when I find I get the most respect? When I’m real about what’s really going on in my life or when I call other people on their bullshit.

People appreciate the relief it brings what someone actually says, “Hey Sandy, the jig is up.”

It’s like she can finally breathe.

If you were a good mother to yourself, you would allow all of. The good, the bad, the ugly, the brilliant, and then you would lovingly cajole yourself in the direction of your bliss. You would understand that sometimes it’s going to be messy. Sometimes it’s going to hurt. But you would welcome the divine dissatisfaction because you know it’s ok to not always be happy.

You wouldn’t run to medicate your life with filters.

You’d feel ALL of your life and then you’d get to work making it what you really want it. So, let’s start today!

What are you willing to be real about? What needs your attention rather than medication?

I love you,

Heidi

Pussy on the Mend

by | Nov 21, 2016 | Advice, All, Love, Relationships

I know. I know. That title. It’s crass, crude! Rude even. But it’s true. That’s what’s been happening since the first week in November.

I’ve been healing.

Once I knew I was pregnant, I started keeping a diary for my child. I wrote to her all throughout the pregnancy. Then, once she was born, I kept up with it. Not to be morbid, but I’m old. So, I thought once I die, she could have this catalog of journals.

I write about little things and big things. I tell her what sh’es into lately, or all about the trips we take.

But on November 10th, I made a different entry.

Before I share this with you, let me be clear. I’m not sharing this to argue about it.  It’s not that you’re not encouraged to post your thoughts. You always are. It’s that I don’t want to be talked out of my feelings. I’ve moved on. I moved on by allowing myself the right to have my feelings. And like any wound that heals…it’s not cool to rip it back open. All of us are entitled to feel how we feel. I never want to talk you into how your should or shouldn’t feel.

So why am I sharing this? Because I love you and I want you to know me. The best way to know me is to share what I feel. And I want to know you, so please share what you feel. Just know that we all feel what we feel and that’s totally how it should be.

Here’s the journal entry…

journal entry page 1 & 2
journal entry page 3 & 4

How much should you share about your addiction?

by | Jul 25, 2016 | Advice, All, Dating, Dating Coach, Love, Relationship Coaching, Relationships, Understanding Men

​That depends on 1 question. Why do they need to know?
Let’s say that you’re a person who eats, lives, and breathes recovery, and you identify as an addict or alcoholic. Addiction and recovery are a big part of who you are. So, it’s probably important that you share such a big part of who you are with someone you want to share your life with.
Basically, if recovery and addiction are a big part of who you are, they you should bring it up. And hopefully you don’t let shame or fear of rejection deter you.
If someone you are interested in thinks less of you for your struggles, then they are telling you that they’re not right for you.
You want someone who celebrates the fact that you’re a survivor and an overcomer. Not someone who thinks less of you for what you’ve been through.
It’s true that some people don’t understand addiction. So, it might be up to you to educate them.
Think of it this way. Let’s pretend you had cancer. And you worked really hard and the cancer went into remission. You started dating someone new. Would you tell them about the cancer? When would you tell them about it? How much would you tell them? And why would you tell them?
Most people would say, I’d tell them when I felt like we were getting serious. And I’d tell them just what I wanted to share about my experience. And I’d tell them because there is a chance it could return.
Maybe you wouldn’t share all the stories about how you threw up every time you got chemo. But there would probably be a sense of pride in telling the story of overcoming.
When people share their stories of overcoming cancer, people cheer them on and celebrate their bravery.
Do you know that you deserve the same celebration?
It’s true. You are amazing!
The problem is that you have done things you are ashamed of in your addiction. Things you probably don’t want anyone to find out about.
But the truth is, you and I both know that’s not what you would have done if you weren’t a slave to the compulsion. And it’s certainly not the woman you are today.
We’ve all done things we regret. But those things have gotten us closer to the woman we are today.
We really need to get rid of the shame associated with addiction and that starts with you.
A person you love and who loves you will probably want to know as much as you’re willing to share.
Be proud of yourself for surviving. Be proud of yourself for doing the work to get better. Be proud of yourself! Let’s go make t-shirts and shout it from the roof tops, “I kicked addiction’s ass!”
You are amazing! Only be with people who agree.
Please share today’s message with a someone who could use it!
Love you!
​Heidi