How Do You Care Less About What Others Think Of You?

by | Jun 5, 2017 | Advice, boundaries, codependency, Feelings, Low self esteem, Relationships

Let’s cover first things first. You’re never not going to care what others think of you. And do you know why? It’s because you’re awesome. You’re sensitive and you actually want people to like you. It’s important to you.

So, instead of putting all of your energy into not caring, let’s focus on 3 keys that will change your perspective on what people are actually thinking.

#1. You’re making up what you think people are thinking about you.

Yes! It’s true! You actually have no real idea what people are thinking. Often, it’s the story in your head you are telling about what people are thinking that is making you anxious, sad, or upset. So, if you’re making things up, why not make up something good?

#2. People aren’t thinking about you.

I hate to tell you. I mean, yes! You are awesome, lovely, chatworthy! AND no one is truly thinking about you. And if they are, they’re thinking about you in terms of how you compare to themselves. We’re all a little egotistical. And we’re all more invested in ourselves than we are in other people anyway.

#3. You need to take a frenemy inventory: block, delete, and move on.

Ok, let’s say it’s true that people are talking about you. And you now this only because you’ve heard it from someone who knows. People are talking, they’re leaving nasty comments. Or plain old being rude. It’s time to block, delete, and move on! Life is too long to have those kind of relationships!

Watch the video to see the whole explanation….

Dealing with depression naturally. How to cope.

by | May 1, 2017 | Advice, Love, Relationships

When depression comes to visit.

Heidi's heart painting

Depression is a rude guest. It always shows up unannounced. It comes and goes when it feels like it, often at inopportune times. It leaves a mess when it breezes into town and expects you to drop everything to be with it.  It makes you feel bad for opening the door in the first place. It blames you for everything that doesn’t go right.  It’s entitled and inconsiderate. Not to mention it also makes you feel bad.

As you can imagine, a guest like that would be very unwelcomed.

That’s how I felt Sunday morning when I sensed it was coming. I didn’t get it and I definitely didn’t want it. I had just had a beautiful weekend. There was no reason I could think of that gave it the green light to visit.

I started to think about how I could pretend not to be home. Hide in my room, under the covers, or just not answer the door this time. Maybe it would get the hint and go bother someone else.

But, having a toddler at home and a husband out of town. I didn’t have that luxury. So, I woke up and opened the door. It floated above and around me.

Then it made its way in.

Maybe you know what that feels like.  The proverbial gray cloud that follows you around, it still seeps in and parks itself on your chest, attaches itself to your back, forcing you to carry the weight of it around, or it settles in the lump it cultivates in the back of your throat.

At first, I ignore it. I try and pretend it’s not there and go on about my day.  Wake up, make breakfast, and play with Ellie. Smile. Try to pretend it’s not there. Distract myself.

I’m a girl who loves a good state change-thank you Tony Robbins and NLP, but sometimes that works, and other days it only seems to entice the sadness.  Pissing it off and helping it grow.

So then it morphs into frustration. I distract myself long enough to think I’m just in a bad mood. And that works for a while, where I can just pretend I’m pissed or PMSing.

But eventually something will happen to shift me back “home” to the intent of the original visitor. I will stub my toe, burn noodles, or open a bill and WHAM! There it is.

There she is. And she envelops me. And

I let her in. Fully. Finally.

I fell to my knees sobbing in the kitchen. And my toddler was in the living room.

I heard Ellie’s soft voice through my sobbing, “What happened Mommy?” She asked.

I was tempted to say, “Nothing.” But instead I said. “Mommy just got sad.”

“Mommy just got sad?” She echoed.

“Yes honey. Mommy is sad.”

“Here.” She said scooting our little Chihuahua closer to me. “Want to pet Milo?

“Thank you” I wept petting Milo.

Ellie began to rub my back and play with my hair, “You pretty hair, mommy.”

“Thank you Ellie.”

“You fine now?” She wanted.

“Mommy’s still sad”, I still needed to cry.

“Want to go color? Come on Mommy” She grabbed my hand and led me to the canvas.

As I sat, crying and coloring with my daughter I felt so blessed that I could cry and that I didn’t need to run to the bathroom or suck it up to protect her.

I feel blessed that she can see the value in seeing a feeling through.

What she taught me was how to remember how to be a good hostess.

When sadness comes to visit, sometimes there’s immense value in just being present for it. Not being mad at it, but welcoming it and asking it what it needs or why it’s here.

Before, I would do anything to push sadness away. I would try and drown it, or medicate it, or sleep it away. But today, I showed up to meet it. And there is a lesson in every tear.

What Do Opiates and Instagram Have in Common? How do we get real… create a life that’s truly happy?

by | Apr 26, 2017 | Advice, binge drinking, Binge eating, codependency, Love, Low self esteem, Relationships

We are a nation obsessed with feeling good. And there’s nothing wrong with that. What everyone wants in life is to be happy.  We want to be as happy as possible, the fastest way possible and with as little work as possible.

The problem is, there are no shortcuts to long term happiness.

We want to be an overnight success. A reality star, an Instagram model. And we don’t just want to feel good. We want to look good too.

We’re not living our lives with Instagram filters, we’re living our lives IN Instagram filters.  Where if “it’s” not good, we can edit it to look better than it is.

So what that means is a lot of people don’t work harder at making a better life, they work harder at making their lives look better. And that sucks.

It sucks because while people are trying to look good, no one’s actually genuinely good. And then the seeking starts to put a band-aid on a flesh wound.

The drug of choice becomes the new filter. Whether its opiates, shopping, sleeping, or binging on Netflix or Oreos, the filter manipulates you and you get hustled into thinking your life is happier than it is.

How do we get real? How do we start to create a life that’s truly happy?

#1. We get honest about what’s really going in

That means we make a decision to stop bullshitting ourselves and people around us. And if they start to feel threatened by that, then we know right away that those aren’t the people we want around us. Mainly because they are just going to bring us down. We find someone to talk to. We get a life coach and we lay it out.  We get a therapist and we dig it up, we check ourselves into a program that will help us get our head on straight. We decide to stop pretending that everything’s fine.

#2. We stop trying to put band-aids on flesh wounds.

I’m not talking about throwing a filter on a beautiful moment we actually experienced. I’m talking about the people who market their business with a woman standing on a yacht but can barely pay her rent on her studio apartment. I’m talking about taking a substance to feel better right now instead of doing the work to feel better long term.

We are an instant gratification society.

People in older generations understood that things take time. They just forgot. Younger generations get impatient when a website takes 5 seconds to load.

We need to be willing to be in our lives for the long haul. The good, the bad, the real.

If social anxiety is a problem for some, find a person who can help you be better at being with people. Don’t pop a Xanax.

If your marriage lacks intimacy or passion, work with someone to fix the problems within you that prevent you from connecting the way you won’t. Don’t drink 4 glasses of wine.

If you are in a job you hate, quit and find something else, don’t take pills so you can be motivated enough to go in and punch a time clock.

If you aren’t happy with your business, don’t spend hours trying to find out how you can “brand” yourself to look more attractive. BE more attractive to yourself by removing anything that actually robs you of your self-esteem. 

#3. We decide who we really are and what we really want and pretend it’s 1980 and no one’s watching.

Seriously, if no one gave a shit, what would you be doing? How would you be spending your time? Who would you be spending it with? What really makes you happy? How are you wasting your time? What really matters at the end of the day?

Find out what fulfills you and peruse those things.

#4. We take 100% responsibility for our lives and everything in it.

We stop blaming people for what went wrong 20 years ago or today. I get it. I know your parents didn’t give you everything you needed to be successful. I know that ass hole left you and you felt blindsided. I understand that you lost everything at some point in your life.

 

So what, now what?

Instead of waiting for the proverbial pat on the back from you dad, or an
“I’m sorry” from your mom or the “I was a fool to leave you” from your ex, what if you decided right now to be the father to yourself you always wanted? What if you were going to take on the role of mother to yourself? What if you were going to be your own true love and you decided to take yourself seriously?

You’d take your happiness into your own hands. You’d stop medicating with food, alcohol. pills, or Instagram filters.

You’d just find what makes you happy. But then…you would actually do the work necessary to get there. Because as your own mother, you’re not simply obsessed with looking good. And you don’t really on feeling good either.

If successful people only did what they felt like doing, nothing would ever get done.

NOTHING.

So, you have to be willing to stop trying to feel good all of the time. You would embrace the frustration. Because you know that sometimes it takes being unhappy to give yourself the push to start moving in the right direction.

If you want everything to feel good, you’re screwed.  And if you want everything to look good, you’re lying to yourself.

It doesn’t always look good. And you know what? I think people really appreciate that.

Do you know when I find I get the most respect? When I’m real about what’s really going on in my life or when I call other people on their bullshit.

People appreciate the relief it brings what someone actually says, “Hey Sandy, the jig is up.”

It’s like she can finally breathe.

If you were a good mother to yourself, you would allow all of. The good, the bad, the ugly, the brilliant, and then you would lovingly cajole yourself in the direction of your bliss. You would understand that sometimes it’s going to be messy. Sometimes it’s going to hurt. But you would welcome the divine dissatisfaction because you know it’s ok to not always be happy.

You wouldn’t run to medicate your life with filters.

You’d feel ALL of your life and then you’d get to work making it what you really want it. So, let’s start today!

What are you willing to be real about? What needs your attention rather than medication?

I love you,

Heidi

My Toddler and Your Addict: Are they doing it on purpose?

by | Apr 26, 2017 | Advice, Relationship Coaching, Relationships

Can an addict control their behavior?

It happened over the weekend. My precious, sweet, sometimes precocious toddler transformed into a full blown maniac, hell bent on doing what she wants-when she wants.  She spent the last three days doing things she must know are “wrong” and would upset me. Like drowning her brand new teddy bear in the dog water. But as I attempted to intervene, the sheer joy of said behavior seemed to also drown out my cries of “stop”, “no, no,” and “Doggie bowls aren’t for Teddy bears.”

She’s changed. She totally stopped listening. I mean totally. Before this weekend, I could get her to stop by threatening time out.

But now? She’s become defiant, compulsive and manipulative. And though I know she’s not doing any of this to hurt me, it feels like she is.

Especially every time I look at her after she’s just smacked me across the face and I see her smirking.

And every time I say, “Does Ellie need a time out?” and she smiles, and shakes her head yes.

I think, Crap. She KNOWS what she’s doing and she’s still doing it! On purpose! Ouch!

And then, I think about addiction.

Alcohol and drug abuse are like that. You look at your loved one and think, “What the Hell? Don’t you see what you’re doing to me? You must know that what you’re doing is wrong, bad, terrible, and hurtful. Why don’t you just listen to me? Are you getting a kick out of this?”

After I made the connection to my toddler and addiction, I remembered Dan Siegel’s work with explaining the brain. He’s a leading neurobiology expert.

Now, I must say, I am going to try and explain it. But listen to me when I tell you that I hear things, then I absorb them, then I retell them to teach what I teach. Dan doesn’t work in addiction. I do. So, I may butcher his original intention in my explanation, but it will be perfectly perfect in explaining addiction.

Also, when I first started working in addiction, 6 years ago, I spent a years studying our executive director. He’s our PhD. And I sat in on hundreds of hours of his brain groups. “The science of addiction and recovery” just so that I could dumb it down and teach it a way that made sense to me.

I’m a simple girl and I like simple explanations.

So, here we go…the toddler brain and the addict brain. Are they doing this on purpose?

Watch the video now.

I hope you enjoyed the video! Please subscribe. I think when you do, it helps get bumped up or something in the rating system so that more people get to see the video. And my goal is to help as many people as possible. So thanks for helping me help more people.

You can also do that by sharing this with your friends who are raising toddlers or who have addiction in their family.

With Love, Heidi

Pussy on the Mend

by | Nov 21, 2016 | Advice, All, Love, Relationships

I know. I know. That title. It’s crass, crude! Rude even. But it’s true. That’s what’s been happening since the first week in November.

I’ve been healing.

Once I knew I was pregnant, I started keeping a diary for my child. I wrote to her all throughout the pregnancy. Then, once she was born, I kept up with it. Not to be morbid, but I’m old. So, I thought once I die, she could have this catalog of journals.

I write about little things and big things. I tell her what sh’es into lately, or all about the trips we take.

But on November 10th, I made a different entry.

Before I share this with you, let me be clear. I’m not sharing this to argue about it.  It’s not that you’re not encouraged to post your thoughts. You always are. It’s that I don’t want to be talked out of my feelings. I’ve moved on. I moved on by allowing myself the right to have my feelings. And like any wound that heals…it’s not cool to rip it back open. All of us are entitled to feel how we feel. I never want to talk you into how your should or shouldn’t feel.

So why am I sharing this? Because I love you and I want you to know me. The best way to know me is to share what I feel. And I want to know you, so please share what you feel. Just know that we all feel what we feel and that’s totally how it should be.

Here’s the journal entry…

journal entry page 1 & 2
journal entry page 3 & 4