How Do I Get Closure?

by | May 6, 2015 | Advice, Dating, Dating Coach, Relationship Coaching, Relationships

How to Get Closure, By Heidi McGuirk

“It just feels unfinished”, Cara lamented when she came in for her coaching session. “I don’t know why. I think I wasn’t able to say the things I wanted to say.  It ended so abruptly.” When I asked her how closure would look if she got it, meaning how she would feel,she couldn’t answer me.

I believe Cara was having a hard time explaining what Closure would feel like, because it wasn’t closure she was seeking.  The truth was, she missed her ex and just wanted contact.

If we examine the word closure…it means…CLOSED. Closure happens the minute it’s over. But we attempt to get closure by diving back in and opening things back up. It’s counterproductive.

I will also say that I don’t believe you miss your ex when you’re seeking closure. You miss something you perceive your ex gave you.

If you ask, “What am I missing that I believe I was getting?”, you have a better shot of meeting your needs.

After all, it’s a break up because it’s broken but sometimes distance clouds the truth and absence makes the heart grow dumber.

So, how do you get closure? Let it be closed.

Please leave a comment. Can you relate? And don’t forget to subscribe to receive free videos each week!
With so much love,
Heidi

How To Stop Being Socially Awkward

by | May 1, 2015 | Advice, Dating, Dating Coach, Love, Relationship Coaching, Relationships

Jenny came to the workshop because she was having problems socially. She said she felt awkward meeting men. As men would approach her, her heart would race and her mind would take over saying things like, “They’re gonna think you’re weird.”, “They think you’re ugly. You’re hair looks dumb”, and, “It doesn’t matter anyway.”

When her mind went to the last thought, that was usually when she decided to forget it, turnaround, and walk out.

So, I asked Jenny to come to the front of the class. She stood there, clutching her arms and scratching them. She bit her lip and rocked a little back and forth.

Then, I asked her to pick out five people in the room whom she didn’t know.

At this point, she started to sweat a little bit. But she continued on because by this point in the weekend, she trusted me.

After Jenny chose the people and they joined us at the front of the class, I turned to Jenny. “Pick the one you know the least  and get to know him.”

Jenny looked at him and looked back at me…”ummm. Like what about him?”

Anything!” I answered.

“What’s your name?”

“Rob.”

“Where are you from?” She asked sheepishly

“Chicago.”

“This is dumb”, she frowned.

“Keep going” I encouraged.

“So, ummmm,yea…….Rob…… tell me what brought you here for this workshop?”.

“I have been unhappy in my love life for a very long time.I always felt like something was missing. I had a bad breakup recently and I thought she was the one. I am having trouble moving on.  And finally, one day, I was just over being alone and I decided that was it! I was going to figure out why I’m alone once and for all. I deserve to be happy! And I want to spend my life with someone”

We all eagerly looked to Jenny and she said………………………….

“Is it really as cold in Chicago as they say?”

I interrupted the exchange and turned to Jenny. “Listen to me. You want to be liked? What makes people like you isn’t really about you. People like you because of how you make them feel about themselves when they’re around you. You’re preoccupied with how YOU look to him. About what YOU will say when he is done speaking, about how YOU’RE standing, and how YOU’RE hair looks while YOU’RE talking to him.

And all you really want to do is connect.

You can’t connect with him when you’re too busy connecting with yourself. He told you his life story. He got vulnerable and open, he shared his desires, and you replied, “Is it really as cold as they say up in Chicago.”

You have to get out of your head and get into other people’s hearts if you want to connect. It isn’t about YOU.

I have to remind myself sometimes. Because I too suffer from feeing awkward. I have to remember that it isn’t about me. Connecting is about getting outside of yourself.

How about you? Do you ever feel socially awkward? What do you do?

With so much love and a little splash of awkward,

Heidi

Why Am I Withholding Sex After My Husband Returned From Rehab?

by | Apr 30, 2015 | Advice, Love, Relationship Coaching, Relationships

When Sam and Nancy Sam in for couples coaching, they shared a common scenario.

Sam was looking forward to being home after treatment. He had been a way for 30 plus days and had been feeling lonely. He got excited when he thought about being with his wife again. He was committed to his recovery and was working a solid recovery plan.

Nancy was excited too. But when she thought about Sam coming home, her excitement was met with anxiety. She wasn’t sure how long this would last this time. And she was afraid to get her hopes up too high. He had disappointed her before.  And she promised herself this was the last time she would go through this whole rehab thing.

Nancy could see that Sam was working hard this time. But she found herself withholding. Every time Sam would tell her he loved her, she would kind of dismiss it and wouldn’t say it back.

Every time Sam would make a move on Nancy, she would make up an excuse or flat out turn him down.

They wanted to come together, but they weren’t sure what was happening. That’s when I explained the common 3 reasons people withhold love after treatment.

1.       Nancy is afraid if she shows affection, Sam will get the idea that everything is o.k. She wants him to understand how bad she is hurting. And if she acts like her old self, he will assume that the slate has been wiped clean. So instead of having a conversation with Sam about happy she is feeling, she withholds instead. She also thinks that if she lets him know how bad she is hurting through withholding, that it will somehow be a motivator to keep him sober. That of course, is a lie. Because, the only thing that keeps someone sober is working a strong recovery plan.

2.       She withholds love and affection and uses it as a carrot. Nancy believes that sex is something Sam can work towards, so she uses her affection as a means to entice Sam to “do a good job” in his recovery. This of course won’t work, because again, the only thing keeping Sam sober is Sam working a strong recovery plan.

3.       Nancy is trying to keep an emotional buffer. She believes that if she keeps some emotional distance and Sam relapses, she will be less hurt. However, that’s just not the case, as getting hurt hurts, no matter how much buffer you think you have.

So, my advice to Sam and Nancy was to live in the present moment. There are absolutely no guarantees in ANYTHING in life. But you are granted one thing for sure….THIS MOMENT. And if you decide to spend time living in either the past or the future, you miss the moment entirely.

I urged them as I urge anyone else who this resonates with, do not wait to love. LOVE NOW.

With so much love!
Heidi

Do You Attract Emotionally Unavailable Men?

by | Apr 22, 2015 | Advice, Dating Coach, Love, Relationship Coaching, Relationships, Understanding Men

In my Coaching Practice, I hear this very common complaint: “My Man is emotionally unavailable”.

As an Empowered Princess, (a woman who takes control of her happy ending) I am a woman who asks 2 questions: “Why is this happening?” and “What is my responsibility in this?”

It’s so much better than waiting around for someone else to change before things get better.

So, when I was looking for patterns of behavior, I noticed that all of the women who were having a challenge in this area, were women who possessed the very same challenge themselves.

These were THINKING women versus FEELING women.

In Fact, when I asked them how they felt, they said…”Well, I think I feel…”

If you are having a challenge identifying what you are feeling, doesn’t it make sense that you would choose a man who doesn’t peg you into your feelings?

What are your thoughts? Do you agree?

With so much Love!
Heidi