How much should you share about your addiction?

by | Jul 25, 2016 | Advice, All, Dating, Dating Coach, Love, Relationship Coaching, Relationships, Understanding Men

​That depends on 1 question. Why do they need to know?
Let’s say that you’re a person who eats, lives, and breathes recovery, and you identify as an addict or alcoholic. Addiction and recovery are a big part of who you are. So, it’s probably important that you share such a big part of who you are with someone you want to share your life with.
Basically, if recovery and addiction are a big part of who you are, they you should bring it up. And hopefully you don’t let shame or fear of rejection deter you.
If someone you are interested in thinks less of you for your struggles, then they are telling you that they’re not right for you.
You want someone who celebrates the fact that you’re a survivor and an overcomer. Not someone who thinks less of you for what you’ve been through.
It’s true that some people don’t understand addiction. So, it might be up to you to educate them.
Think of it this way. Let’s pretend you had cancer. And you worked really hard and the cancer went into remission. You started dating someone new. Would you tell them about the cancer? When would you tell them about it? How much would you tell them? And why would you tell them?
Most people would say, I’d tell them when I felt like we were getting serious. And I’d tell them just what I wanted to share about my experience. And I’d tell them because there is a chance it could return.
Maybe you wouldn’t share all the stories about how you threw up every time you got chemo. But there would probably be a sense of pride in telling the story of overcoming.
When people share their stories of overcoming cancer, people cheer them on and celebrate their bravery.
Do you know that you deserve the same celebration?
It’s true. You are amazing!
The problem is that you have done things you are ashamed of in your addiction. Things you probably don’t want anyone to find out about.
But the truth is, you and I both know that’s not what you would have done if you weren’t a slave to the compulsion. And it’s certainly not the woman you are today.
We’ve all done things we regret. But those things have gotten us closer to the woman we are today.
We really need to get rid of the shame associated with addiction and that starts with you.
A person you love and who loves you will probably want to know as much as you’re willing to share.
Be proud of yourself for surviving. Be proud of yourself for doing the work to get better. Be proud of yourself! Let’s go make t-shirts and shout it from the roof tops, “I kicked addiction’s ass!”
You are amazing! Only be with people who agree.
Please share today’s message with a someone who could use it!
Love you!
​Heidi

What makes you trust someone isn’t their integrity, responsibility or their authenticity. It’s THIS…

by | May 23, 2016 | Advice, All, Dating, Dating Coach, Love, Relationship Coaching, Relationships, Understanding Men

What happens when you walk through your relationship life believing you can’t trust men?
“Any minute now this guy is going to show me his true colors.”
“Sure, he seems all nice now, that’s just because he wants sex.”
“Any day now, the other shoe is going to drop with this guy!”
Do you find yourself saying things like this?
When women don’t trust men, it can show up in a multitude of ways. One way, of course, is isolating. Why? It’s easier to stay alone than risk being let down.
How does it show up in your relationships when you don’t trust men?
It usually shows up in one of two ways.

  1. You are a tester
  2. You keep emotional distance

If you’re a tester, you find yourself pushing buttons. You will basically do whatever you have to do to get this guy to “crack”, meaning- show you his true colors. So, you constantly try to poke and prod him to see how he will handle it.
If you are an emotional distancer, you will keep an emotional buffer between you and him. You will get close, but not too close. You may even choose men you are less attracted to so you don’t get too caught up.
So, what makes you trust someone?
Immediately when I ask this, most people say, “Integrity. People keep their word.”
I can be a person who always does what I say I’m going to do. I can be excellent at keeping my word. But if my word is I’m leaving you and I do it, you don’t trust me.
Other say, “Responsibility. They are committed.” Well, I can agree to only be responsible for myself and leave you feeling totally unsupported. And you won’t trust me.
Then, someone will say, “Realness. Authenticity. They are honest about who they are.”
It can’t be that either because I could be honest about being as ass hole, be an ass hole, tell you I told you so and you still won’t trust me.
People trust for one main reason: aligned mission. The mission? We both have each other’s best interest at heart. You may hurt me, but I am going to assume it wasn’t on purpose.
When I know you have my best interest at heart, I trust you. It’s that simple.
And the main reason you choose men you can’t trust is because you don’t have your own best interest at heart. 
How many times have you let yourself down? How many times have you lied to yourself?
More than likely, you have built an incredible amount of negative trust. You trust yourself to do the wrong thing. You trust yourself not to have your best interest at heart.
So, it’s going to take you consistently proving to yourself that you can count on you before you can learn to count on anyone else.
Do you have your own best interest at heart?
Work on that, and you will attract men you can trust.
I love you,
Heidi

Losing your Me when you become a WE

by | May 12, 2016 | Advice, All, Dating, Dating Coach, Love, Relationship Coaching, Relationships, Understanding Men

When you first meet someone, you can get wrapped up in them. You might think about him all day long, wondering if he’s thinking of you and if he is, what he is thinking. It’s natural to want to make him happy. It’s easy to think more about him than you do about you. But when do you cross the line into being unhealthy?
I knew a girl who every time she got into a relationship, she disappeared. Her friends would be left wondering where she went. She wouldn’t do anything unless she was doing it with her boyfriend. She found herself dressing the way he liked her to and wearing her hair and makeup the way he preferred, and talking about the things he found most interesting.
She ate where he wanted to eat and she saw the movies he wanted to see.
Her friends would tell her she was losing herself.
But she couldn’t see that until the day they broke up.
Then, she looked around and couldn’t remember who she was. Her friends had moved on without her and she was left trying to figure out how to get back to her old self.
It’s unhealthy when you sacrifice yourself consistently for the preferences of another human being.
When you meet someone, you shouldn’t feel like you have to bend yourself into a more attractive version of you in order to stay attractive to him. Be you. Do you. Like what you like.
And if it differs from him, that’s ok. You are your own person with your own set of preferences.
If you find yourself bending to be more of who you think he will love, you will always be bending. And unless you’re Gumby, that can eventually be pretty painful.
When you love someone, you shouldn’t smother them.
Relationships are like people, they need air to survive. Give each other some breathing room.
That breathing room is where you retain the space to be yourself. Do the things you love to do. Keep your friendships. Do the things you want to do.

Love you,
​Heidi

How to tell if you’re ready for a relationship. Three simple questions.

by | May 5, 2016 | Advice, All, Dating, Dating Coach, Love, Relationship Coaching, Relationships, Understanding Men

Knowing if you’re ready to get into a relationship can be a tricky thing. You can feel ready and still be ill equipped and you can be ill equipped and feel ready. There’s not a one size fits all answer here. But I will give you a quick test. If you answer yes to any of these three questions, then you are NOT ready.

  1. Am I seeking a relationship to feel better about myself?
  2. Am I seeking someone to take care of me because I can’t take excellent care of myself?
  3. Am I seeking someone to fill a void

.

  1. Am I seeking a relationship to feel better about myself?

If you are wanting to get with someone so you can feel more lovable, worthy, special, important, or any other version f “better about yourself”, then it’s a big fat NO. The deal is that you will only attract someone who feels the exact way you feel about you. And you can’t fake it. So, until you genuinely feel awesome about who you are, you won’t attract someone who thinks you’re the cat’s pajamas.  Work first on feeling better about yourself just as you are.

  1. Are you seeking someone to take care of you?

Do you want someone to help pay the bills? Split the resnt? Take care of you emotionally? Physically? If it’s a yes, then it’s a no! You’ve got to know you can take total care of yourself first. And you can!

  1. Am I seeking relationship to fill a void?

Did you just get sober and feel a gaping hole? Are you bored? Are you craving a rush that only a new guy can fill? Then, it’s a no. Quick sex is a cheat substitute for long term genuine happiness. Learn to fill in the gaps solo. When you can learn to love yourself, you’re ready. Of course, I’d love to help you get relationship ready! Love to you, Heidi

 

ARE MEN REALLY EMOTIONALLY dumb?

by | Nov 13, 2015 | Advice, Dating, Dating Coach, Relationship Coaching, Relationships, Understanding Men

questioning man

questioning man

Have you picked up a book on Men lately? Most of them are touting advice that help women get him to open up, or share his feelings, or communicate.
The other day, I saw an article on some web site that said, “Communicate with your Man in 10 words or less.” I mean, is this something we actually need? Is he really that dumb? Does he truly have the attention span of gnat? Is he the emotional equivalent of a toddler?
Is he a dumb ape?
Is he really incapable of expressing himself? Is this still a thing?
In the decade I have been coaching women, I’m going to say, NO! It is NOT a thing! More women come to me to ask how to get their man to STOP sharing so many feelings than to get him to talk.
This sounds like more of your Grandmas problem that a NOW problem. Doesn’t it? I mean, if you picture a stoic man, who comes to mind? My Grandpa Frank comes to mine.
We want men to share their feelings. But only on our terms.
You know what I mean?
You want him to have feelings, but only when it’s convenient.
“Don’t have feelings when I’m having feelings!”
And when he shares his feelings when we don’t want him to, we tell him he must be manstrating and tell him to man up.
Most of the women I talk with are feeling like there is a man crisis. For example, the man bun! Or the pink bearded lumbersexual.
So if we want Men, but we want emotionally available Men. What is the balance then?
How do we create a space for men to be able to share their feelings?
Often, when you ask a man how he feels, it will take him a minute to find the answer. So, while he is searching himself to find the answer, we interpret that pause as he must not know how he feels or he is about to make something up. Neither are true. We process things a little quicker because we walk around all day long with people asking us how we feel. So, our feelings are always on the top of our minds. Most Men aren’t standing around asking, “So, Ted! Feelings? Go.”
Most Men keep it on the lighter side. Why? Training.
We train men that it’s not ok to talk about feelings when they are boys.
Then, we marry them and beat them up for not expressing themselves.
Then when they do, we tell them they are turning us off and call them a Pussy.
They can’t win.
So, how so you get your Man to share? You ALLOW it.
You don’t need to train him. He’s not dumb. He knows how to do it.
Here’s how we allow: Ask him. Then shut up.
I know this is a hard one for me. But just like you, he doesn’t want to be interrupted. And just like you, after he shares, he will feel better. And he will move on.
How about you? Do you allow your Man to share?
Love you,
​Heidi
​

I Have Walls…

by | Jul 27, 2015 | Dating, Dating Coach, Relationship Coaching, Relationships, Understanding Men

Have you heard this Woman? “I have walls. I don’t trust a lot of Men. The right man is going to have to work to get me to trust him! He is going to have to win me over. He will have to crack me open!”
I can’t tell you how many times I have had this conversation in some form or another.
Is it HIS job to break down your walls?
Watch this week’s video and leave me a comment.
Love you Sister!
Heidi